Filburt quotes from Rocko's Modern Life

Filburt

It is only a stupid fortune cookie. I should listen to Rocko more often.

Filburt

And mine says "bad luck and extreme misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity". [he opens multiple fortune cookies and they all say the same thing] They all say the same thing! No matter what I do, the fortune is always the same! I'll never win Mega-Spin.

Filburt

[voicing Mr. Cheese] I am the cheese! I am the best character on this show! I am better than both the salami and the bologna combined!

Filburt

[seeing Heffer eyeing his chips] Oh no no no no no no no no no no! I ain't giving him nothing! I got plans for these chips! You ate yours fat boy! These babies are mine! Okay, let's see. 1 2 3 4 5, 1 2 3 4 5, 1 2 3 4 5. I'll put this one and this one and then I'll put this one here. Oh this, this one first. No, no, no, no, no. You, you first, I'm eating you... [Heffer goes berserk and attacks him for the chips] Hey get off! Stop it! Get your fat hooves off of me! You full yet? You've eaten almost everything in the room! Oh wait a second! Here's the potato chip bag. There might be a crumb in there! [force feeds him the bag] Yeah! You like that huh? You like eating that? Wait wait! You didn't eat this yet! You want to eat this, too? [force feeds him the air conditioner] How's that taste? Come on, what else can we stuff in your fat mouth? Oh here you go! Since you ate the potato, you can eat the light bulb! [force feeds him the light bulb]

Filburt

I'm nauseous...

Filburt

Oh fishsticks!

Filburt

You turn the page, you wash your hands, you turn the page, you wash your hands.

The problem with the comic books is the ink comes off on your hands. Everytime you turn a page, you have to wash your hands. You turn a page, you wash your hands. You turn a page, you wash your hands. And then you turn a page...

Rocko, to the... [coughs] ...Manager's Office. [then it finishes coughing]

Filburt

They've hurt very much and, um, I'm constantly in a state of wanting to throw up.

You'll never be satisfied with a mortal woman because the elf wenches are so beautiful You'll spend the rest of your life searching for that same beauty again. [sniffs] Yes.

Wow, you're an idiot.

Filburt

And your total is... [the cash register shows "$1.50"]

Rocko

Phew!

Filburt

One hundred and fifty dollars. Gee, looks like you just missed a big sale. Have a nice day.

Rocko

[snarls and gets bombs in his eyes, enraged and loses it] You CHEAP LITTLE ROTTER! I've been run over by a car, made to drag around a gimp shopping cart, threatened by your Gestapo security guards, had me head set on fire, I was attacked by wild lobsters, beaten by a very large woman, had me dog wrapped in plastic, nearly starved to death, and I still beat the 12:00 deadline! So if you don't change that total back to $1.50, I WILL DO SOMETHING NOT NICE!

Rocko

FILBURT!

Filburt

Yes boss?

Rocko

I want to see you in my office IMMEDIATELY!

Filburt

Yes boss! [uses his teeth to drag himself to the office and he arrives in the office]

Rocko

Supply and demand, Filburt; supply and demand. People demand "Big Man" comics, and we supply them. If you, Filburt can't supply "Big Man", the system breaks down. Do you follow me Filburt!?

Filburt

Yes sir.

Rocko

If the system breaks down, I DON’T MAKE A PROFIT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!

Filburt

No...? [Rocko turns around and shows Rocko is now the same shape and size Mr. Smitty is and Filburt screams in horror]

Rocko

YOU'RE FIRED!

Filburt

Where are you, Really Really Big Man?

Filburt

Welcome to Pine Palace!

Rocko

Filburt, you're selling trees?

Filburt

Shush! Don't interrupt my sales pitch

Rocko

Ah, the great outdoors. Smell that mountain air, boys.

Filburt

Actually, that's my pine-scented air freshener for the tent.

Filburt

We can't drink that water!

Rocko

Why not?

Filburt

Fish are dating in it!

Filburt

Hey, guys. [gestures to Rocko's glasses] New glasses?

Heffer

Rocko's feeling a little down about his new eyewear. Maybe you can give him a pep talk.

Filburt

Don't worry, Rocko. Glasses aren't so bad. Aside from the fact that people call you names like, "four-eyes." Girls won't go out with ya. You're ostracized by every social group. You can't swim with 'em. If ya lose 'em, ya can't find 'em! Oh, fishsticks. I've depressed myself. I have to go lie down.

Oh, I'm so glad you could make it.

Rocko

It was the least we can do.

[as Filburt gives her flowers] Won't you come in?

Rocko

Did he go peacefully?

Yes, he just kind of drifted off and that was it.

Heffer

He looks all warm and sticky.

Oh Ed, You were so convinced that you were old that you wished yourself to death. [cries]

Filburt

Well, no sense In dragging this out, let's get to the good part.

Heffer

[about to lift up the bed] One... two... three... LIFT! [lifts up the mattress and Ed slides down and falls into the trash can]

Filburt

And now, for the appropriate dirge.

[sings the wedding march while Bev continues crying] Da dum da-dum! Da da-da-dum!

Rocko

[takes off his hat] We have gathered here today to pay our last week's day to our beloved Ed Bighead, wasted away his entire life worrying about how old he was. Heffer, the lid. [Heffer holds up the lid to the trash can and puts the lid in the trash can] Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. We stick Ed Bighead in the Earth's crust.

[start sobbing wildly] WA-HA-HA-HA-HA!