NNewscaster
We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to give you this O-Town special report. A crazed turtle has just hijacked the Jolly Roberts seafood restaurant in the marina.
RHRocko and Heffer
What the?
NNewscaster
Witnesses say the alleged turtle kept screaming... [looking at his script] "Fish... sticks... fish sticks," as he forced patrons out the backdoor to safety.
EEyewitness
It was awful. Awful. He was CRAZY! Tartar sauce everywhere! Craziest turtle I ever seen! FISH STICKS! FISH STICKS! AHH!
RHRocko and Heffer
Filburt!
GGeorge
[rebuking Heffer after he accidentally wrecked the car] Well, boy, good thing you got the body of a tank. But the car didn't fair too well when you went through it. [shouting] WHY WEREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR SEAT BELT?!
VVirginia
Now, dear, let's not lose our temper.
GGeorge
[holds up his hand in front of her, halting her] You're not gonna cuddle him this time, Virginia. He has to pay for the repairs on the car!
HefferMe? On my allowance?
GGeorge
No, I guess you couldn't on your allowance. SO GET A JOB!
Heffer
[begging] No, Dad, not that. [grabs him by the ankle] Please!
GGeorge
[looking away] Don't make me chew your hands off.
VVirginia
I'm taking my ball and going home. You won't have Virginia Wolfe to kick around anymore!
Heffer
Bye, Mom!
Fine! We'll be able to win without you! Right, girls? Girls?
TBTammy and Bev Bighead
Get a life, Ed!
TTammy
You've taken all the joy out of the game.
TTammy
If you want that trophy so bad, Bozo, finish the game yourself!
Hey, guys. [gestures to Rocko's glasses] New glasses?
Heffer
Rocko's feeling a little down about his new eyewear. Maybe you can give him a pep talk.
Don't worry, Rocko. Glasses aren't so bad. Aside from the fact that people call you names like, "four-eyes." Girls won't go out with ya. You're ostracized by every social group. You can't swim with 'em. If ya lose 'em, ya can't find 'em! Oh, fishsticks. I've depressed myself. I have to go lie down.
Oh, I'm so glad you could make it.
It was the least we can do.
[as Filburt gives her flowers] Won't you come in?
[The trio went with Bev and the bed is a stressful, not-up, Ed Bighead]
Yes, he just kind of drifted off and that was it.
Heffer
He looks all warm and sticky.
Oh Ed, You were so convinced that you were old that you wished yourself to death. [cries]
Well, no sense In dragging this out, let's get to the good part.
Heffer
[about to lift up the bed] One... two... three... LIFT! [lifts up the mattress and Ed slides down and falls into the trash can]
And now, for the appropriate dirge.
[Bev starts crying uncontrollably as Heffer, Filburt, Rocko and she walk outside]
HFHeffer and Filburt
[sings the wedding march while Bev continues crying] Da dum da-dum! Da da-da-dum!
[takes off his hat] We have gathered here today to pay our last week's day to our beloved Ed Bighead, wasted away his entire life worrying about how old he was. Heffer, the lid. [Heffer holds up the lid to the trash can and puts the lid in the trash can] Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. We stick Ed Bighead in the Earth's crust.
[Heffer kicks the trash can with Ed Bighead in it to the hole that was dug up, making the latter groan in pain while Rocko, Heffer, Filburt and Bev cry wildly together]
RHRocko, Heffer, Filburt and Bev Bighead
[start sobbing wildly] WA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
[Heffer and Filburt are about to film Rocko walking downstairs in the night for a glass of milk]
And he ain't dressed for the occasion, if you know what I mean.
Heffer
You heard right! He's completely naked!
O-kay! So Betty wakes up and says "Oh, what a beautiful day". And then the telephone...
Heffer
Or doorbell!
Or doorbell ringing, and she answers it and says "Hello?" And then the salami...
[getting angry] Or cheese says "I hate bologna" and attacks her through the phone before belching while all the stuff comes out of his mouth while we hold on him for a long time! [He struggles to contain his anger] Okey-dokey? So... then... she walks up to the counter, and...
Heffer
HOLD IT!
Heffer
Hmm... y'know, I was thinkin'...
[at the limits of his patience] Yes?!
Heffer
...Do we really need the cheese at all?
Heffer
What? What'd I say?
Why do you torment me like this?
Heffer
I'd probably do now!
Just let me do it the way I want it!
HDr. Hutchinson
Hi honey, how are you? Oh, my babies!
GSGilbert, Shellbert and Missy
[first words] Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy...
[The egg breaks, revealing there are four babies including a steer cow with glasses, turtle twins with glasses and a yellow cat]
Heffer
Oh, Rocko. Aren't they cute?
HDr. Hutchinson
Come to mommy. Oh, my little ones.
Heffer
Oh, I'm so happy for you, Filburt!
HDr. Hutchinson
No, you haven't. You're still conscious.
[Norbert then walks over to the two]
HDr. Hutchinson
But your eyes are open, Silly.
HDr. Hutchinson
Oh, Daddy's just playing. He didn't faint at all.
[Hutchinson then kisses Filburt as the camera irises out on them; during the end, in the black screen is Norbert following Rocko]
No, no. Go away. [he leaves as Norbert follows him] Go home.
Heffer
Try not to flail so much.
Heffer
Be the skates, Rock.
Heffer
Try to get all five of your stomachs evenly distributed over the skates.
Heffer
Put your nose... [muffled]
DDJ
Skate all willy-nilly like an idiot.
Heffer
[imitating Rocko's skating] Now you're getting it, Rocko!
Can you see anything, Heffer?
Heffer
Just the back of a bunch of heads. How about you, Rocko?
Naw, looks like a forest of ankles down here. Filburt?
[looking at someone's butt crack] I've got a bird's eye view of the Grand Canyon.
[last lines of the series]
So, Filb, what have you been up to these past 17 years? [beat]
Heffer
[singing] Nine hundred bazillion bottles of root beer on the wall... / Nine hundred bazillion bottles of root beer...
Rocko's Modern Life · 73 quotes
