Sheriff quotes from Robin Hood

Rumours abound.

Robin

What rumours?

That you are weak. That you have returned weakened from your exertions in the Holy Land.

Much

My master returns with honours, honours from the King!

Mmm. Well, the greater honour would have been to have stood and fought with him, surely?

Robin

[sternly] I have visited my peasants in your dungeons. They have committed grave crimes...

Much

Master, surely--

Robin

... which would make all the more compassionate your gesture of pardoning them!

Pardoning them? I will see them hang in the morning. You yourself said that we risk rebellion. We must have order.

Robin

It is custom for the Sheriff to hear his nobles' requests for clemency--!

La-di-da-di-da! Oh, by the way, in your absence we nominated you to oversee tomorrow's entertainment.

Robin

No.

Oh, you don't want these rumours of weakness to spread, hm? Better scotch them now, otherwise we'll all pay.

May the souls--

[disguised as a priest] WAIT!

[exasperated] "Oh, nah, nah, nah! Please don't kill my brother, my little baby, my INBRED COUSIN!"

On behalf of Anthony, our bishop, I claim benefit of clergy for these men. They cannot hang.

These are not holy men. These people cannot plead the cloth. Get on with it.

I came last night to administer their last rites.

... So?

And each one came to God through me, repenting their sins and asking to take the cloth. I felt duty-bound to consult the bishop, and he in turn confers status of novice unto each man.

Shut up.

[reading from a piece of parchment] "I, Anthony, very Reverend Vicar Apostolic, hereby confer—"

SHUT UP!!!! [turns to Canon Richard] Is this possible?

They could not have become novices overnight.

They are become postulants!... Novice novices, if you like. And so are under the protection of the Church!

Novice novices! How novel. Well, [points to the gallows] hang them [points to Jeffrey] and arrest him.

Yield, Locksley, or say farewell to your little Mulch.

Robin

His name...is Much.

Well, he'll be mulch in a moment.

Stop! STOP! Do not harm those men, they're free to go. I have an announcement to make.

Robin

I...

I, Vaisey, Sheriff of Nottingham...

Robin

In recognition...

In recognition...

Robin

Of my...

Of my illegal actions yesterday in Locksley...

Robin

Do humbly apologise...

Do humbly apologise to the innocent people who have suffered... at my hands!

Robin

I promise to pay £500.

I promise to pay... No. No! I cannot. Go on. [turning to Robin] You will have to kill-- [notices Robin has gone] GUARDS! GUARDS! HERE! [goes back to the window] STOP THOSE MEN!

Ah! [imitates Roy] "Royston White! I fight for King and Country!" Hm? Blahdy-blahdy-blah. Now look, I'll be blunt. I have a favor to ask. I would be very grateful if you'd, uh... [Holds up a dagger.] ...use this on our mutual friend, Robin Hood.

I'd sooner kill my own mother.

[laughs] Yes, what an amazing coincidence. See, when people say [imitates Roy again] "I'd sooner kill my own mother", they don't usually have that statement tested.

[emotional] Oh, Royston!

Mother?

I thought you were dead!

I was going to come back.

I thought you were dead!

I was going to come back when things were better. But they never got better.

This is good, hm? The horns of dilemma. Kill Robin, or kill Mother. So which is it to be?

I'll not do it.

You do not understand what dilemma means! It means you have to do one or the other. You have to decide. And if you don't, let's just say I'll decide for you. Hm? So Shall we say sunrise tomorrow? Hm? I don't know about you, but I work best to a deadline. Of course, when people say "deadline" they don't usually mean that somebody will be dead at the end of it!

[As his mother is about to be hanged.] You'll rot in hell for this!

Really? Just for this?

I think he wants us to follow him...

[gasping] The mine's...!

[nodding] The mine...

[gasping] R-Ro-Robin Hood...!

[nodding] Robin Hood...

Fire!

Mine, Robin Hood, fire... [realizes] SOLDIERS!!! SOLDIERS!!!

Tom

Robin will save us! He'll be here!

Oh no, he won't.

Robin

There is no way Gisborne went to the Holy Land without your say-so.

[feigning ignorance] Holy Land? Gisborne?

Robin

I have proof! On his arm, his tattoo! People in the King's Guard have heard of that tattoo, and when they return from the Holy Land, he will pay! And you will pay!

Tattoo? [pours Djaq's acid over Gisborne's arm, erasing the tattoo] What tattoo? [to a screaming Gisborne] SHUT UP, YOU BIG JESTER!

[about a captured Much] Now, what is this creature doing here?

Gisborne

This is one of Robin Hood's inner circle. This is his right-hand man.

[sarcastic] Oh, bravo!

Gisborne

He can tell us all we need to know about the outlaws.

Like what? Hm? That Robin Hood is against us? That he keeps moving his camp on? Hm? There's nothing to know!

Gisborne

All right. So hang him, then. Make an example.

Brilliant! A clue: no. Hang him, and you have an instant martyr. Suddenly, everybody loves Robin Hood!

Gisborne

Hood got there first. The ledger's gone.

[looking over a chessboard] Didn't you tell me that you'd hidden the barrels of black powder?

Gisborne

... Yes, I did.

[moves the white rook across the chessboard] Who else did you tell?

Gisborne

No one.

So how did he find it before you? [silence] Were you followed, Gisborne?

Gisborne

No.

YOU FOOL!!! WE'VE BEEN SET UP!!! Now you dispatch every man you can to the caves, bring me Eve and fetch me my horse!

Enough excuses! We must start the peace negotiations tonight. Every day that passes, more innocent lives are lost--

Yardy-yardy-yar.

I warn you, Sheriff: I have heard aspersions cast on your honesty!

[in mock surprise] Aspersions? Surely not!

Now I insist. We start the talks today, or I travel to London and find Prince John myself!

You see, Gisborne? This is what you have to look forward to. Already, he's starting to sound like a wife.

HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME!

[after mouthing his words obnoxiously] Two words: Peace? Off! Throw him in the dungeon!

Get them! Stop them!

Robin

Forget us! Watch the entrance!

[entering behind Robin] YOU HEARD HIM!!! GUARD THE DOORS!!!

Much

The Sheriff's with us?!

Did no-one ever tell you that fools do not deserve to be rescued?

Robin

This is not a rescue yet, Malik.

Oh, la-di-da-di-da! Will you two just shut up?!

[Points at Malik] Get him, Prince Bismillah... far away... from here!

The feeling is mutual.

[To Robin] And Locksley, remember: business as usual tomorrow.

Robin

I look forward to it.