Red Dwarf quotes

Death

Arnold Judas Rimmer, your life is over. Come with me. You will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin and --

Rimmer

Not today, matey. [knees Death in the groin] Remember, only the good die young.

Death

[gasping] That's never happened to me before.

Rimmer

Why don't you smegging well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger?

Rimmer

Can you tell me what this is?

(smells it) It's an alkali.

Rimmer

Oh yes, what's it called?

Cesiumfrancolithicmyxialobidiumrixidixidoxidexidroxhide. You look surprised?

Rimmer

I never thought I'd ever hear you say that. Can you write it down for me?

Certainly. (To Mirror Kochanski) Could I have an extremely long piece of paper, my dear?

You're drunk.

Lister

Drunk shir? No, sir.

Rimmer

No. No. No.

Who fancies a kebab?

Oh yeah!

Lister

Smeg! He's tricked us. (Rimmer collapses) Must've been the cherry trifle we had for lunch sir. Told him not to go back for seconds. (Snores)

Call the medi bay. we need two stomach pumps. Super suck.

Cat

I'm walking through the cargo deck, right? Minding my own damn business. When all of a sudden, you know that big tank on G deck?

Lister

He means the water tank.

Cat

Suddenly there is a disturbance on the surface of the tank and this massive testicle shoots out of the water and grabs me by the throat.

Lister

He means tentacle.

Rimmer

I hope so.

Lister

You were supposed to be manning the sonar, Rimmer! You could have gotten us all killed!

Rimmer

Is this about you again? It is, isn't it? Can't you see right now I need some me time? My heart is still hammering. I don't know how I got through that.

Lister

You wasn't even there!

Rimmer

I was nearly there. That's close enough for me.

Something is not right! It's saying we don't exist! How can this be possible? "Taking to nearest valid reality". Makes no sense at all.

You think you outsmart me, yes? But you don't, I here. Cut a second hole.

Rimmer

Science officer, excellent. So pleased you've caught up with us.

You gave me slip, I know. You not want to be erased. But you won't defeat me, I too smart.

Rimmer

Erase me? I thought it was murder to kill a hologram.

No, hologram already dead. Morally, ethically, hologram killing fine!

Rimmer

Fair enough. [Rimmer suddenly pushes her into oncoming traffic, and her image shorts out] Come on, we haven't got all day.

Kryten

She didn't see that coming did she. I did.

Cat

Whats going to happen to everybody in the reality we left? The guys all watching us on T.V?

Kryten

Well, they will continue to exist as a consequence of us creating them in our hallucination, sir. Its quantum mechanics, every decision that is made creates a new universe, as do all dreams and hallucinations, its multi-verse 1.0.1.

Rimmer

But those sad suckers will live out the rest of their lives convinced they're the real ones and we are characters from a T.V show.

Lister

And you know if you tell them the truth, you know what they would probably do?

Rimmer

Laugh.

Lister

Yeah. [They all snigger] They probably would.

Lister

No the moose aren't in the cars, antlers out the sun roof! They're in the roads, mooseing about, crossing roads, causing accidents!

You mean they're not looking left and right?

Lister

Exactly.

Not using the pedestrian crossings?

Lister

Exactly!

Not paying attention as to whether it's a little green man or a little red man? Of course they're not, they're mooses!! Jeez... Swedes: they expect too much!

Rimmer

Kryten, you have a real gift. You make things that are really, really complicated sound really, really complicated.

Rimmer

Are you saying I am a resentful person? I really resent that!

And you rebuilt him - gave him something to live for.

No, we just hosed him down and gave him a hat.

Rimmer

Oh, great. Not only am I dead, I don't exist, either! Thanks a lot, God!