Kryten was teriffic. A real godsend. Provided all you needed was a plateful of triangular-shaped cucumber sandwiches with the crust removed and a pot of lemon tea. If, on the other hand, you needed someone to scrape uranium ore free of waste and pack it into sealed cases, all you got was another plateful of cucumber sandwiches and a second pot of lemon tea.
Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers
Last Human
GLGELF Leader
Yep [Lister's other self killed everyone], even me I'm afraid.
Back in the Red I
[after Starbug lodges itself in the back end of a super enlarged rat on the nanobot rebuilt Red Dwarf]
Hope we don't get stopped by the cops, they don't like it when you're rat arsed.
Pete I
HHollister
Seven hours. Do you know how long that is? I couldn't remove my shorts until after midnight. When I wanted a leak I had to do a handstand on the toilet seat. I stopped the lift doors from closing, I wasn't even catching a lift!
Pete II
Kryten, do you realise what this means?
No, ma'am.
It means you're a real man.
It does? Why?
Because now, like all men, you have absolutely no control over your penis.
Part Three
(About Craig Charles, his actor) I'm so glad I'm not him. The guy's a wreck. And pretending to be someone else all day, that's no way to make a living. Smeghead.
Part Three
Driving with Kochanski, Lister stops Carbug abruptly and walks into woods
HKHallucination Kochanski
Where are you going?
I have to leave and get you back.
HKHallucination Kochanski
The real me? You'll never get me, I'm way out of your league!
I thought that too, but I was wrong.
HKHallucination Kochanski
You were right.
Nah, I'm pretty cool. I don't take any smeg. And even though I'm disgusting, sometimes I can be quite brave.
HKHallucination Kochanski
You'll never get me.
Yeah, I will.
Trojan
[upon reading the results of his latest Astro Navigation exam and fully expecting to fail] CAN YOU NEVER EVER SUCCEED AT ANYTHING, YOU USELESS RANCID CANCEROUS SACK OF SICK?!
[explaining a lateral thinking question.] 'It's 1971, a Swedish man crashes into a tree, what causes the accident?' There's nothing medical, nothing wrong with the car.
[deadpan.] Riiiight, so, um, this Swedish guy drives into a tree, what caused the accident.... Answer's in the back, right?
Right.
[milking it.] Well... That's a really hard one, that. I mean, probably gotta be pretty damn smart to get a question like that right. You know what, I'm gonna go for a moose.
A moose?! [scoffs.]
Yeah, it was in the road, he swerved to avoid the moose.
[checking.] Are you insane? That's never gonna be - it's a moose.
[wandering out.] Sometimes life is good.
Ah, sir, you asked me to remind you, it's ten minutes til your exam-
Kryten, lateral thinking question, just got it myself. It's 1971, a Swedish man drives into a tree, what causes the accident?
Well, it's a moose, sir, he swerves and hits a tree.
Is it me? How did you get that?
Get what?
RRimmmer
I've got something for you. A lateral thinking question.
A lottery what?
Ahhh, I knew I could rely on you. What caused this accident?
[alert.] What accident?
No, no. It's a question, alright? Are you ready? It's 1971, a man-
Was he Swedish?
... Yes?
A moose! [Rimmer sags in resignation.] It was a moose! He swerved to avoid it, and hit a tree! Oh, and the moose is on the road, by the way - not in the car driving. Oww! Yea-ah! [dances out of the room.] Oww! Yea-ah!
Fathers & Suns
Who needs a denti-bot anyway, man? Half a bottle of GELF hooch, can't feel a thing now...anywhere. Starting to worry, actually.
So now we don’t have that conversation and move straight onto the next conversation?
Your next conversation is a conversation about not having the previous conversation, saying you were looking forward to the previous conversation, and now feel a bit lost not having had that conversation. You conclude that you will probably get used to hearing the results of your conversations and no longer having the conversations yourselves.
I watched them all yesterday and you did not enjoy them.
You knew that I was going to cock this up, so you cocked it up for me?
That's not a man, that's Lister!
Mindful of the Space Pollution Act, JMC policy dictates the ship should dispose of itself by flying straight into the nearest sun.
What?!
What about us?
Never mind “us”, what about ME?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red Dwarf pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.