Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg pot. Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.
Holoship
They've taken Mr. Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!
Quick -- let's get out of here before they bring him back!
[Rimmer and the hologram Nirvana Crane have just finished having casual sex.]
That was just unbelievable!
NNirvana
It's never been like that before.
Was it OK?
NNirvana
It was...different.
Different?
NNirvana
You make love like a Japanese meal - small portions, but so many courses.
Look, Nirvana , I hope you didn't get me wrong just now, that meant nothing to me, truly less than nothing, really.
NNirvana
Good.
We may as well have been playing tennis.
NNirvana
As it should be.
I don't suppose you fancy a tie break?
NNirvana
You know, we usually talk.
What do you talk about?
NNirvana
Research, new theories, mission profiles.
I'm sorry, I must have seemed very ignorant. I hardly said anything apart from 'Geronimo!'
What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal. Mind patching is outlawed.
But it is possible.
Possible but highly dangerous. The side effects can be devastating. You could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton.
Reduced?
I don't care. I'm prepared to take the chance.
Even if it costs you your mind?
It's a small price to pay.
Look, on that ship I can touch, I can feel, I can taste. I'm not a half man any more. With them I'm whole again.
Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs. Do you really think you're going to fit in with them? (Pause) What am I saying? Bon voyage!
Wasn't it St. Francis of Assisi himself who said, "Never give a sucker an even break"?
Well, if he did, sir, it was strictly off the record.
[Rimmer is saying goodbye to the other Dwarfers]
Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with. And I know that, given the choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends. But, I just want to say that over the years, I have come to regard you as...people I met. I'd just better go, OK?
See you, smeghead.
Oh, and sir, you're wrong. We won't be apart, we just...won't be together.
I cannot believe I just said that! (he leaves)
The Inquisitor
So, Kryten, you've heard of this "Inquisitor"?
Only as a myth; a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!
A simple "yes" would have sufficed.
Now then: justify yourself.
RRimmer
Well...first, I've -
Liar!
ICInquisitor Cat
Justify your existence. What contribution have you made?
I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!
ICInquisitor Cat
Well, that's true.
Can I go now?
ICInquisitor Cat
...That's your case?
You need more?
ICInquisitor Cat
Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.
Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!
IKInquisitor Kryten
Well, Kryten? Justify yourself.
I'm not sure I can.
IKInquisitor Kryten
But surely your life is replete with good works? There can be few individuals who have lived a more selfless life.
But I am programmed to live unselfishly. And therefore, any good works I do come not out of fine motives, but as a result of a series of binary commands I am compelled to obey.
IKInquisitor Kryten
Well, then, how can any mechanical justify himself?
Perhaps only if he attempted to break his programming and conduct his life according to a set of values he arrived at independently.
IKInquisitor Kryten
Your argument invites deletion.
The rules are yours, not mine.
IKInquisitor Kryten
Do you wish to be erased?
I am programmed not to wish for anything. I serve.
IKInquisitor Kryten
In a human, this type of behaviour could be considered "stubborn".
But I am not human. And neither are you. And it is not our place to judge them. I wonder why you do.
We're locked out!
This is not a malfunction, there's something controlling the craft!
Holly, any traffic around?
Nothing on the local scan.
This isn't possible! There must be -
Inquisitor (through Lister): I am in possession of the human known as Lister. Do not attempt to resist me!
What happened to him? His voice finally break?
Kryten (realising what's happening): Uh, who are you?
Inquisitor (through Lister): Tremble at my name, for I am the Inquisitor!
The Inquisitor?!
Inquisitor (through Lister): Your vessel is under my control. It will return you to your mother ship, where you will face judgement. You will each present a case to justify your existence. If you fail, you will be deleted.
That is the Inquisitor; he prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched and deletes the worthless!
We're in big trouble!
Sir! Sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist, or a missionary worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life!
Oh, God.
Make a contribution.
Oh, God.
No matter how small.
Oh, God.
You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving.
You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir.
Well, shut up then!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red Dwarf pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.