Emmett quotes from Queer as Folk (US)

Emmett

[about Ted] I tried to warn him but he wouldn't listen. Because he loves you. In fact, he loves you so much, he even believes you're clean! Imagine that!

Blake

I love him, too.

Emmett

No, you love drugs. So get drugs. Here, I will even give you the money... but leave him alone! Because if you break his heart, I will break. your. face. Now excuse me, they're playing my song.

Emmett

Hooray! Only... it's starting to feel perilously like a couples night, seeing as I'm the only single boy left.

Brian

Excuse me? What the fuck do you think I am?!

Justin

[rushes over and grabs Brian's arm before anyone can reply] Are we going to Babylon?

Justin

What a night!

Brian

So how was he?

Justin

He had the greatest ass. I brought him back, I fucked him all night. My dick's gonna be sore for a week.

Brian

That's enough.

Michael

Actually I'd like to hear more.

Ted

Speak slowly and enunciate.

Justin

Ah, he gave great head. He wanted me to fuck him with my crown on. Kinda kinky. But after a while, he got really clingy. He wanted to know if he could see me again.

Brian

So, what'd you tell him?

Justin

I told him that he could see me in his dream.

Emmett

So, who's up for the Absolute Abs Contest?

Emmett

That's just want Mr. Pettigrew said.

Vic

Who?

Emmett

Mr. Pettigrew. High school teacher back home in Hazelhurst. He was accused of exposing himself to one of his students. He swore it wasn't true, that the kid was lying because he flunked him.

Vic

And I suppose you're going to tell me he was beaten to death, or hung himself in his jail cell?

Emmett

No. He went to live with his spinster sister in Meridian. When he died a few years later, they say he put in his will that he didn't want his name on his tombstone. Because it was worthless.

Brian

You still have me, I'm not going anywhere.

Emmett

...hooray.

Ted

Him.

Emmett

Who?

Ted

Over there. The red and blue shirt, black hair, big button eyes, cute little turned up nose.

Emmett

Oh, he's adorable!

Ted

He's hot.

Emmett

He's uh...

Michael?!

Melanie

Too bad you're not straight... [second woman checks out Ted] you could really score big time.

Emmett

It's hard to believe but in this parallel universe you're actually hot.

Ted

Woohoo, lucky me.

Emmett

God, I want his ass.

Ted

Who doesn't?

Emmett

No, I mean I really want his ass. Instead of this tired old thing.

Michael

It was awful. All those dirty minded old man staring at me and pinching my ass.

Emmett

It was fabulous. All those dirty minded old man staring at me, pinching my ass.

Emmett

Be careful, pride is a sin.

Justin

Then I'm going to Hell!

Emmett

[talking about Ted] Guys, he is in deep shit trouble. We need to have an intervention.

Debbie

Booze?

Brian

Crystal?

Emmett

Whipping the willy.

Brian

Schmuck. Couldn't even get a decent addiction.

Brian

Let me see your wrist. That's a stunning watch you're wearing.

Emmett

I'm not wearing a watch.

Brian

Wow, Emmett, you're really observant. He's [Ted's] got a Rolex.

Emmett

I can honestly say that there is not one thing hear I'd put in my mouth.

Ted

That's a first.

Emmett

Excuse me?

Ted

This food's the worst.

Michael

The next guy that walks through that door is the man I'm gonna live with for the rest of my life.

Emmett

Oh, Michael, there you are. Rent cheque's due today, sweetie.

Ted

You did the right thing, the guy's positive!

Emmett

Positively yummy!