The chain Argos, they call their staff Argonauts to this day.
[Surprised] Oh, do they?
[deadpan] No.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
The father of history, what was he called?
Herodotus.
Herodotus. It must have been a lot easier, when he was around. I'm not having a go at him. But less things have happened back then.
Fewer things.
Common usage, common usage.
This is so like being back at school, it's unbelievable.
Apparently you can say Lesser now...
Apparently you can just say what you like these days! Apparently you're not allowed to scream Idiot! at people. What's the point in getting an education at all? I know how to use the apostrophe. Apparently, now it doesn't matter. [rapturous applause from the audience] I want the time it took me to learn that back.
You need to be less bothered about this. Or fewer bothered. You need to be fewer bothered about this kind of thing. Just let it go: be fewer upset.
These are all good answers.
CFCarrie Fisher
Really?
[To Carrie Fisher] Also, do you know where the rebel base is?
CFCarrie Fisher
[Pointing at his crotch] In your pants.
[fans himself]
[on the rules for this episode]
Now, seeing as this is the "Lucky Losers" show, whoever gets the lowest score wins.
Well done Alan! You've won already, congratulations!
[on Club 18-30 Holidays]
Do you remember they had rather dodgy slogans? Do you remember any of them?
"You will get fucked."
Yeah.
[Applause from the Audience]
"Would you like to catch chlamydia?"
Both cardinally and financially. Well, it wasn't quite as on the nose as that. It was...
Herpes?
..."Beaver Espania" was one.
Oh, God!
I know. "It's not all sex, sex, sex, there's some sun and sea as well." It really puts you off.
[Later on in the conversation]
You know, there's no symptoms, when you have chlamydia. So, if someone says "how are you?" and they say, "Very well", that means, you almost certainly have it.
It's the perfect disease.
It is. So I never know how anyone goes to the Doctor's with it. It would be quite interesting.
There's no warts, no weeping?
No green discharge.
[Sandi shudders]
He has to be frank about these things.
You'll wake up completely fine, go to the Doctor's, you'll have chlamydia. It's baffling and koalas all have it.
How do you know that?!?!
Huge problem in Australia. They've all got chlamydia and they are dying.
I thought it was an add-on to an 18-30 Australian holiday. "If you don't get lucky, there's always the koalas."
Which good cause benefitted from Britain's first lottery?
Dale Winton. Dale Winton's tanning salon.
What do newsagents sell that make people suddenly want to vote Tory?
ADAlan Davis
Is it going to be the Daily Mail?
[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - DAILY MAIL]
Makes me want to vote communist, actually.
Do you get one for the Daily Telegraph as well?
You probably might. Yes!
[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - DAILY TELEGRAPH]
This is a very odd thing, that newsagents sell...
What about The Sun?
[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - THE SUN]
[to Alan] You're on fire!
[On discussion of various syndromes]
Perhaps even more depressing, is that American therapists have a name for the syndrome, which "sudden wealth syndrome" [starts sniggering]. Which is presumably something they suffer from whenever they name a syndrome. They make money by deciding you have a syndrome.
That's a really boring name for it though.
You'd think so, yeah. But these are the same people who say, if you lose someone you love: they die, and you are still...
[Alan sneezes loudly]
Whoa! Wow! Wow, that was so huge.
That was so impressive.
That was enormous!
The day had to happen.
I mean, that was an explosion!
That's extraordinary!
Are you alright?
There are people now in California, looking at their seismographs, going "Jesus Christ! What was THAT?!?!"
What a thing!
Is it because I said the word 'die'? Da! Don't do it again...
So sorry for interrupting.
[On discussion of names]
Where you plagued at school by people who: "Turkish Delight"?
Oh yeah. "Turkish delight, don't like it, keeps you up at night." No it doesn't!
Have you tried "Dan Dan, the lavatory man, washed his hair with a frying pan, combed his hair with a leg of a chair, Dan Dan?" Or Danny Boy. There are certain songs that curse you through your life, if you have certain names.
Yeah.
All I got was, "What sort of a fucking name is Jeremy "?
Could you beat a T-Rex at arm wrestling?
Yes, easily.
"Yes, easily?"
[Forfeit Klaxon goes off]
Finally got one.
Well done.
[Text YES, EASILY flashes on the screen]
Oh, even the word "easily"!
Either those are the fastest typers in the world, or I was bang on.
I’m winning, therefore I’m losing.
Now, a question especially for Alan to lose points with in this lucky losers show. Which mammal has the most cells in its body?
Blue whale.
[A special fireworks klaxon goes off - ‘blue whale bonus’.]
It does. And you get a lot of points for that. It’s the blue whale bonus and you get points. And what do points mean? Bad surprises.
What?
Which day is added to a leap year?
February the 29th.
Ah, well done, absolutely.
[The klaxon goes off - ‘February 29’.]
Right. Well it is. I’m standing my ground on this one.
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