QI Season 1 quotes

Stephen Fry

There's a village in Nuremburg whose name means "eavesdropper" in German. Now, what did this village provide the whole world with for almost 100 consecutive Christmases?

Sean Lock

War criminals.

Stephen Fry

Oh, dear.

Sean Lock

[starts revolving his arm as though roasting on a spit] You know, the old tradition of roasting a war criminal.... With a glass of sherry... "Cheers, Mr Pumblechook!"

Stephen Fry

God in Heaven! Oh, Lord.

Sean Lock

Compliments of the season!

Stephen Fry

Did they...

Sean Lock

[German accent] "I was obeying orders!" [continues roasting on the spit while drinking deeply from a glass of sherry]

Stephen Fry

The answer is that none of them are the odd one out.

Phill Jupitus

What kind of hellish quiz is this? "Which one's the odd one out? None of them! Bahahaaa! Bahahaaa! …"

Stephen Fry

Is that meant to be me? [Phill was impersonating Stephen's braying laugh in his role in Blackadder Goes Forth as General Melchett.]

Phill Jupitus

That's you!

Stephen Fry

Oh, bugger you! I don't sound like that—bahahaaa, bahahaaa …

Stephen Fry

Which was the second species of animal for humans to domesticate after the dog?

Alan Davies

A cat.

Stephen Fry

No.

Alan Davies

Prove it!

Stephen Fry

Beetle-fanciers, as you probably know, are called—

Bill Bailey

Coleopterists.

Stephen Fry

Very good! Coleopterists. I'll give you five points for that.

Alan Davies

Press him on how the hell he knows that.

Bill Bailey

Well, when I was a child, I—

Stephen Fry

In Alan's world, knowing something is a kind of freakish, weird thing.

Bill Bailey

Welcome to my world of knowing! The wonderful world of looking up things in books!

Stephen Fry

[discussing rainbows] In Estonia they believe that if you point at a rainbow, your finger will fall off.

Alan Davies

Oh, for God's sake.

Stephen Fry

I know.

Alan Davies

Estonians aren't stupid people, are they?

Stephen Fry

They're not.

Sean Lock

[holding up his fists] They're very stumpy, though.

Alan Davies

She disguised herself as a man to sneak into the king’s chamber.

Stephen Fry

No. She was just very miffed at not being able to marry.

Sean Lock

You sound like you’re in a school play then. “She disguised herself as a man...!” You’re supposed to be an actor!

Stephen Fry

Have you never seen Jonathan Creek?

Stephen Fry

[about woodpeckers' tongues] How does it fit into its mouth, you may wonder? Well, it has to wrap it round its brain and the back of its eye sockets. Funnily enough, woodpeckers are very popular on creationist websites, because they argue that this is such an extraordinary creature designed so fit for its purpose, and so on, that only a designer could have made it, it couldn't have evolved. Apart from everything else, when it moves, sometimes up to fifteen or sixteen times a second it beats the wood to make a hole, which is incredibly fast and generates immense forces—two hundred and fifty times more forces than an astronaut is subjected to. It's a thousand Gs. And it has these extraordinary kind of little muscles and cartilages around its brain to stop it from shattering. [suddenly laughs] If the pecker's got wood, why go for tongue, you may argue! Um … [giggles as everyone stares at him] … but it is pretty astonishing …

Jo Brand

Could we maybe have an offshoot of this program called Quite Unnecessary? Can I be on that?

Jo Brand

When I was a teenager, someone I knew gave their dog LSD …

Stephen Fry

Oh, my Lord!

Jo Brand

… It went to Glastonbury.

Stephen Fry

Phil, one for you, I think. What goes ‘woof, woof, boom’?

Suicidal corgi. The next Norwegian entry for the Eurovision Song Contest? [Singing.] “My heart goes woof, woof, boom.”

Rich Hall

A terrierist!

Alan Davies

Eight hundred Americans die in a McDonald's every year.

Rich Hall

Which one? Best to avoid that one.

Stephen Fry

This brings us neatly to our General Ignorance round, in which we ask Alan, is this a rhetorical question?

Alan Davies

[He thinks for a while.] No.

Stephen Fry

Quite right.

Stephen Fry

You don't meet many American Jeremys do you? Have you ever met one?

Jeremy Clarkson

No it's too complicated, there's three syllables.

Jeremy Clarkson

I went into a brothel on Saturday.

Stephen Fry

You heard it here first, folks.

Jeremy Clarkson

It's exactly like a motorway service station lavatory.

Alan Davies

Bet that was a welcome break.

Jeremy Clarkson

Every single one of the 247 billion facts on the Internet is wrong.

Stephen Fry

What has large teeth and only one facial expression?

Bill Bailey

Janet Street-Porter.