And what do they mean by monkey glands?
The glands... of a monkey!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Stephen has a genuine periscope rifle under his desk. Alan reaches for it.]
Now, don't play with it. They did ask that no-one else touches it.
[defiantly] Oh?
It's very valuable.
I was gonna make it go over the desk! [gives in and crawls back to his chair] I can't believe I'm not allowed to play with it.
I'm afraid I was given specific 'Alan not to touch' instructions.
I love the fact that somewhere there's a memo that just says: "Machine gun - for Stephen Fry's use only".
A circular triangle?
Well...
PJPhil Jupitus
Oh, no, no, no. This is your first time. This sort of thing happens all the time. “It’s a sort of circular triangle.”
“And it makes a square.”
It’s not the fact that I’m boggled by that, it’s the fact that I now realise there’s a possibility that you could have a Toblerone-Rolo combo.
[About 7 minutes after the gun conversation.]
Let me play with the gun! I wanna play with the gun that shoots around corners.
No, you can’t play with the gun.
[Grumpy.] “Special instructions ‘don’t let Alan...’”
“Police were baffled in London tonight by a series of murders committed around corners.”
["Where is the best place to have your skull drilled?"]
[saying nothing, places his fingers on top of his head]
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - JUST HERE]
Is that the way they can now read my mind, these people?
[laughing] It's amazing, isn't it.
It's the eighth series, I suppose.
[On whether the moon landings were a hoax]
I did an advert with Patrick Moore, and I said: "So, Patrick, did they land on the moon?" And he looked so annoyed with me. He actually explained to me how he'd help to map the moon for NASA and how he'd spent years in the project, and the landing site was partly his idea… And if I ever spoke to him again, he was gonna be sick in my eyes.
We are in trouble as a species if people will refuse to believe in things they couldn't actually do themselves.
[to cautious David] Embrace the klaxon!
I'm trying to!
What is the point of teenagers?
Are they the only group you are legally allowed to punch?
My favourite on the Weakest Link was "What are Chardonnay, Shiraz and Pino Noir?" And the guy said "Footballer's wives."
My favourite one was: "Name a dangerous race". And the man said "The Arabs."
[About footprints in Australia proving indigenous Aborigines were capable of running very fast.]
You can tell from the strides that they ran really fast.
What were they running from?
The white man.
I leave you with this thought about being human and being happy. If you really want to be happy all you have to do is say I am beautiful. So I want you all tonight to go and look at the mirror and say “Stephen Fry is beautiful.” Goodnight.
[As the panel is discussing horns, there are pictures of several horned animals on the screens]
RWRuby Wax
[to Ross Noble] Are you speaking English?
…Did you just say to him: "Are you speaking English?" Have you never heard a Geordie accent before?
RWRuby Wax
Not coming from something with hair that's never been combed.
I'd just point out that I'm actually part of this show. I'm not on the screen.
[On swimming with dolphins]
If you see proper wild dolphins, they've got lumps out of them, and bits missing, and they fight… I just love the idea that people are just going: "Oh, this amazing experience"…
…Those serene and mystical and lyrical…
…When actually it's just like being chucked in with a bunch of wet skinheads.
It's not often I find myself in a group of four people, thinking I'm the most normal, sane and balanced person, but I'm happy to feel that today.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's QI pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.