Emerson Cod quotes from Pushing Daisies

Emerson

I'm not God, but if I was, I'd be an angry God.

Emerson

If I'd wanted to hang out with geeks in leotards, I would've stayed in art school.

Emerson

[takes Ned aside] What is the rate of exchange on the life of a bird? 'Cause if it's equal to or greater than mine, I need to get back to my car.

Emerson

Just because there's vodka in my freezer doesn't mean I have to drink it. Wait... yes it does.

Emerson

I love you, shovel.

Emerson

That girl dropped a bomb in your subconcious with her saliva.

Emerson

Some women love like gangstas. They be like "Ooh baby, you bleedin'! How dat happen?" While dey hidin' the razor in their weave.

Emerson

Dreams are just your brain processing random rigmarole it couldn't find a place for: it don't mean nothin'. Except you feel guilty about kissing Olive when you want to be kissing some dead girl you can't.

Emerson

Death by scratch and sniff. What the hell happened to people shooting each other with guns?

Emerson

The truth ain't like puppies, a bunch of them running around, you pick your favorite. One truth and it has come a knockin'.

Emerson

Oh look: a dumb idea just found a friend!

Emerson

You know what? We all have childhood issues. Okay? Believe me. I got the full subscription, okay? Horror stories.

Ned

I kind of killed her dad when I was ten.

Emerson

Maybe not horror stories.

Ned

She doesn't know. But I wanted to make it better or different than what it was, because what it was was her dead and I didn't want that to be my fault too.

Emerson

Well, who died instead?

Ned

[shows Emerson an obituary for the funeral director] It's a random proximity thing.

Emerson

Bitch! I was in proximity.

Emerson

The fact that he was a very, very bad man makes you feel better about what you did?

Ned

Yes. Immensely. I would have felt horrible if it was... you, for example.

Emerson

[smacks Ned on the head with rolled up newspaper.]

Ned

I'm not proud!

Emerson

You know, I'm glad you did it. Makes the worst thing I did seem insignificant.

Ned

Listen to you, all judgey-judge.

Emerson

Lookit here... You need a ticket to ride this ride, and if your ticket gets punched then you gotta take somebody else's ticket.

Ned

Why are you still talking?!

Emerson

I'm ripping off the band-aid!

Ned

I'm not a ripper. I pull up a corner a little at a time and then I run it under warm water and I pull it a little bit more. It's a process!

Emerson

Let 'er rip.

Chuck

[noticing a pocket watch on Lawrence's body] Hey, I had one just like that.

Yeah, your dead body was buried with it.

Well, your dead body wasn't doing anything with it.

Emerson

Oh, you better be playing.

Ned

[checks his watch] 12 seconds.

Emerson

Oh, hell no! [runs out of the funeral home making the Sign of the Cross]