Emerson Cod quotes from Pushing Daisies

Ned

I can't catch her, Emerson.

Emerson

Can't suck on her toes, neither. Some women like that.

Emerson

Check please.

Olive

[slams two large wads of cash down on Emerson's table]

Emerson

Or cash. Cash is good. [grabs money, puts it on his lap]

Olive

I want to hire you. Technically, I already have, since you were so grabby with the cash.

Emerson

Think of it as an escrow between my thighs.

Ned

Is this a bad idea? Olive as a client? It's a little too close for comfort.

Emerson

[sarcastically] Oh, hang on a second, let me ask the money.

Emerson

Hey money, it's me, Emerson.

Emerson

I'm good, I'm good. Yeah, thanks for asking. Say, can I still pay my bills and buy stuff with you, even though you was Olive's money first? Uh huh.

Ned

Wait.

Emerson

[laughs] Yeah, okay then. Thanks. [laughs again] The money don't care. Touch him.

Emerson

Your book was a bomb.

[Outraged] Who are you to criticise my life's work?!

Emerson

[Holds up evidence bag containing burnt shreds of book] Your book. Was a bomb? It exploded?

Ned

We were talking about phantom limbs and I blurted it out; it was like word vomit.

Emerson

Then you slipped on that word vomit and fell on your ass and now you all covered in word vomit.

Ned

Could that have happened to me on the roof? Could I have be swarmed? ...In my underwear too. I could've been swarmed in my underwear.

Emerson

Hey, you don't just get to put them pictures in my head. That's an assault on my imagination.

Olive

I know, they were lovers at the same-sex persuasion, and the key is for their love nest.

Ned

We've ruled out "Workplace Romance".

Olive

Oh... I'll just, cross that off my list then.

Chuck

I haven't ruled out "Workplace Romance".

Emerson

Romance does give you motive. Somebody's always lovin' somebody they shouldn't be lovin'.

Chuck

They're here, because you stopped delivering their special pies, all this time I've been making special pies and what have you been...?

Olive

[Cutting Chuck off] And dosing them with God knows what, you claim that is vanilla, but that ain't vanilla.

Emerson

I'm gonna dose the both of you with a scoop of Shut the Fudge Up.

Chuck

Look, I took care of Lily and Vivian for twenty years, they never even left the house. What happened was incredibly unusual.

Ned

Please take this the right way, but so is being dead but not dead.

Emerson

Amen.

Ned

I'm not sure how I feel about doing this... here... with her [Indicating the Statue of Mary]...and him. [Indicating Jesus on the crucifix]

Emerson

Well it ain't like he ain't never done it before; remember Lazarus?

Vivian

But lying to yourself about love never works.

Emerson

Here Lies Dwight, Here Lies His Gun, He was bad, Now He's Done.