Why do you always assume I'm incapable of handling anything technical?
I find it saves time.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Can I dock someone's pay?
On your birthday. If you've been good.
Why, it’s Cinderella back from the ball. So how was Prince Charming?
Stow it, Buttons!
Fair enough, boss. Actually, I’ve always thought of you more as the wicked queen from Snow White.
This is lying, Kenny. I haven't dropped dead, either.
Well, it could take you this long to stop talking.
It's you and me, Kenny. The wicked queen and Jiminy Cricket.
Highest IQ in the room, and I stay friends with her.
Know what that woman's done to me?
Dated you, dumped you, broken your heart, driven you back to America, and given you a serious hang-up about all other women because you know you're basically still crazy about her and always will be.
Lucky guess.
Did I miss anything?
She stole my damn passport.
Spike [answering the phone]: Spike Thomson, advice line for the love-lorn.
I’ve just met someone I really like. Is it too soon to steal her passport?
You know about that?
Spike, it’s Kenny.
Kenny [on the newsagent]: Just a plain and ordinary guy I wouldn't mind seeing dead.
Dear diary, it's that cute American again, and he's searching my desk. Does this mean he fancies me? It's so difficult to know what to say in these situations. One wants to be firm with him, but just a little seductive. Find out what the hell he's doing, but maybe encourage him a little. I need style, authority, and sex appeal. [pause, and, to Spike] Something of interest in my drawers?
Spike, baby. I didn't know you were back from Birmingham!
America, Colin. I went home to America.
No kidding - I thought you were from Birmingham.
And put in loads of adjectives. I love those.
I'm not really following all this, am I?
This is life. No guaranteed happy endings.
Do you realise, if it wasn’t for a coincidence of floorboard repair and post fifty odd years ago, I wouldn’t exist? I just find that weird. Scary. My whole life is the result of some dumb mistake. I feel like I’m not supposed to be here. Is that sounding, like, really dumb and stupid?
Yes. Come on, let’s get some more coffees and see who we can fire from graphics.
Well, I’m sorry if my problems are not providing enough entertainment for you, Lynda!
Oh, don’t be like that, Kenny. They usually do.
I want to discuss this.
Kenny, what's the point? You'll only start going on about philosophy and destiny and the meaning of life. I hate those. [To the waitress] Actually, forget the biscuits, he's putting on weight.
Try and understand. I want to discuss a problem I am having with my closest friend.
Haven't you got any other problems?
Specifically, the problem I have concerning the letter.
But I don't like that one!
Kenny [to the waitress]: I am not putting on weight, I will have those biscuits, thank you.
Lynda [to the waitress]: Just the one, though.
Look, let me put it another way -.
A really different way?
Remember that time I kept getting a wrong number? I was trying to phone my aunt.
Oh, right, yeah. The girl in Dublin.” [To the waitress] He fell in love with a wrong number!
Look, I really clicked with that girl. Now, suppose I had actually found out her number, and we’d met up? It’s possible, I’m only saying possible, that we could have ended up some day together. Married, with kids, or whatever.
Some people get over a wrong number faster than this.
That's not the point I'm making. Now just think of all the future yet unborn whose existence could depend on something as dumb as a wrong number.
Lynda [to the waitress]: Actually, forget the coffees, I'm worried about his blood pressure, too.
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