Lynda quotes from Press Gang

Lynda

This is lying, Kenny. I haven't dropped dead, either.

Kenny

Well, it could take you this long to stop talking.

Kenny

Do you realise, if it wasn’t for a coincidence of floorboard repair and post fifty odd years ago, I wouldn’t exist? I just find that weird. Scary. My whole life is the result of some dumb mistake. I feel like I’m not supposed to be here. Is that sounding, like, really dumb and stupid?

Lynda

Yes. Come on, let’s get some more coffees and see who we can fire from graphics.

Kenny

Well, I’m sorry if my problems are not providing enough entertainment for you, Lynda!

Lynda

Oh, don’t be like that, Kenny. They usually do.

Kenny

I want to discuss this.

Lynda

Kenny, what's the point? You'll only start going on about philosophy and destiny and the meaning of life. I hate those. [To the waitress] Actually, forget the biscuits, he's putting on weight.

Kenny

Try and understand. I want to discuss a problem I am having with my closest friend.

Lynda

Haven't you got any other problems?

Kenny

Specifically, the problem I have concerning the letter.

Lynda

But I don't like that one!

Kenny

Look, let me put it another way -.

Lynda

A really different way?

Kenny

Remember that time I kept getting a wrong number? I was trying to phone my aunt.

Lynda

Oh, right, yeah. The girl in Dublin.” [To the waitress] He fell in love with a wrong number!

Kenny

Look, I really clicked with that girl. Now, suppose I had actually found out her number, and we’d met up? It’s possible, I’m only saying possible, that we could have ended up some day together. Married, with kids, or whatever.

Lynda

Some people get over a wrong number faster than this.

Kenny

That's not the point I'm making. Now just think of all the future yet unborn whose existence could depend on something as dumb as a wrong number.

Kenny

Okay, let's hear them.

Lynda

I can't come in?

Kenny

Conditions?

Lynda

I got them typed up. [She passes paper through the letter-box]

Kenny

Fifteen, Lynda? What I had in mind was a more personal, sincere apology.

Lynda

I told you. It’s in your in-tray.

Lynda

Oh, that's nice, the same day I send you a memo.

Kenny

I just don’t understand why it’s so difficult to discuss a problem with my best friend.

Lynda

And I don’t see why it has to be that particular problem. You’ve got hundreds.

Kenny

What do you mean, I've got hundreds?

Lynda

Oh, come on, Kenny, you're a complete neurotic!

Kenny

I'm a complete neurotic? Well, let's just take a little look at who's talking here!

Lynda

What do you mean by that?

Kenny

Well, no offence, Lynda, but let's be honest. You're a selfish, paranoic, maladjusted, psychotic, complete bitch!

Lynda

What came after maladjusted? I'm considering a tattoo.

Kenny

I'm sorry, too, boss.

Lynda

You and me Spike, we're held together by a force even stronger than true love.

Spike

Which is?

Lynda

We both want the last word.

Kenny

I hate to interrupt this, but you've got a budget meeting with Kerr.

Lynda

This is flirt time with Spike - top of the page.

Kenny

Is this the arm off a Garfield?

Lynda

So I've got a temper. Colin, where are the last two finance reports?

Colin

Er, I'm not going to lie to you Lynda, I stole them.

Lynda

For what reason did you steal them?

Colin

I didn't want you going to the budget meeting without me kid. I hate seeing you out of your depth.

Lynda

What?

Colin

It pains me to say this about my own editor Lynda, but on occasion I have noticed a certain bluntness about your negotiating techniques. Specifically: don't throw the ashtray.

Kenny

If I get killed doing this, you're going to feel really guilty.

Lynda

Why would I? You won't be there to tell me to.

Lynda

Kenny, just do as I tell you!

Kenny

That is the nature of our friendship.

The Junior Gazette is closing, no further discussion.

Colin

I really respect bluntness Bob--

Now listen to me. Your paper doesn't sell enough. It doesn't make enough money, so it's finished, and I'm closing it. Understood? Understood?

Lynda

Bluntness City.

Fine. Matt, can we discuss what you're charging for advertising...

Sarah

Do you really think it's reasonable to keep punishing people for not being Kenny?

Lynda

Well, they're not, are they?

Sarah

We’re going to need to find someone who can stand sitting here, which isn’t an easy trick.

Lynda

Have we tried everyone?

Sarah

Everyone who was willing.

Lynda

That didn’t seem to take long.

Lynda

[to Spike] Well... you've got big lips!

Spike

Ha, is that the best you can do, "Big lips".

Lynda

Try this.

Tell me something, Lynda. Given that we were already twenty-one goals behind, given that we were two players down because you personally sent them off for being consistently late on deadlines. Given those things, don't you think it was an unusual tactic to suddenly score against your own side and concuss your team captain?

Lynda

Well, it had the benefit of surprise.

Lynda

If someone's in my toilet, I want to know what they're doing!

Spike

She has a passion for detail.