Police Squad! · Season 1
[on phone with Stella] Schnooky lumps. You never called me that before. What happened last night to bring this on?
[instructing Stella what to say] When you held me in your manly armes and crushed me to your lips, I discovered what it meant to be a real woman. When I think of your handsome face, your cruel lips, your strong chin, the way you touch, the way you smother me with kisses...
Honey, I gotta go.
[After walking in unannounced to Dutch's office]
Who are you and how did you get in here?
I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.
He hangs out there with some chorus girl, a floozy named Mimi Du Jour.
Du Jour? Is she French?
That's just her stage name, her real name is Mimi Coffee.
Coffee?
No, thank you.
[After breaking into Mimi's dressing room]
Is this some kind of bust?
Yes, ma'am, it's very impressive, but we need to ask you a few questions.
We went to the movies.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, On the Waterfront.
Come on, there are no movie theaters on the waterfront.
[At the scene of an exploded car and a dead man]
I can't believe anybody could do something so cruel.
Senseless brutality, senseless waste.
Cut down in the prime of life.
That car was a classic, a '68. Do you suppose the widow would take $1,500 for it?
All right Eddie, let's go over it one more time. Where were you last night?
I told you a dozen times, I was at the movies.
[after coming in] I got the sandwiches here.
All right Eddie, you went to the movies. Now what did you see?
I told you, I don't remember.
Who had the egg salad?
[mocking Eddie] I don't remember.
Somebody ordered it.
You don't expect us to buy that.
But I already paid for it.
Why don't you give a guy a break?
Thanks a lot.
What's the charge?
$4.58.
What are you trying to do, insult us?
Okay, $3.50. Coffee's on me.
I told you, I went to the movies, I fell asleep, I don't remember.
You don't expect us to swallow that.
All right, I'll eat it! But I don't think it's fair that I should have to pay for it. [walks away]
All right Eddie, let's say you did go to the movies.
Okay.
You did go to the movies.
Now let's say you were nowhere near the Club Flamingo.
All right.
You were nowhere near the Club Flamingo.
Then, explain this to me. [shows him the matchbox]
Well, you take this little cardboard stick out with sulfur on the end, and you rub it on the edges, and it makes fire.
[narrating] When I got home I received a call from Mimi Du Jour, she wanted me to come to the club right away. Since I had no idea where the Club Rightaway was, I suggested to go to the Club Flamingo. She agreed.
[narrating] Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason. We came up empty.
Mr. Burton, we have men combing the entire lakefront area. If your daughter is close, we'll find her.
The lakefront? My God, do you know how big that area is? My daughter's a needle in a haystack!
That's not true. I've seen a picture of her, she's very attractive.
[after his daughter is kidnapped]
What do I do?!?
I believe you are in the textile industry.
Is there a ransom note?
Yes, the butler found it; it was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab; they're demanding one million dollars.
Why would the lab demand a million dollars?
The Kidnappers made the demand, Frank.
Oh.
That was nice work. You took a big chance doing that.
Well, you take a big chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Police Squad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
