“Rendezvous at Big Gulch” quotes from Police Squad!

Frank

Coffee?

No, thank you.

Frank

Tea?

No.

Frank

[as a dessert cart is wheeled over] Éclair? Rum ball? Torte?

No, really, thank you.

Frank

Now, we can't let these vermin infest our city. We'll have a rotten, scum-sucking cesspool.

[Gagging] Frank please, I'm trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich.

Frank

A rat-infested, worm-ridden festering boil.

Ed

Frank, cut it out would ya, I'm talking to my mother.

Ed

I tell ya Frank, without a witness, we're dead.

Frank

Well, maybe we're just gonna have to get our own evidence first-hand.

Ed

I don't understand Frank.

Frank

Well, let's say a new merchant moves into the neighborhood, opens up a shop.

Ed

All right.

A new merchant moves into the neighborhood and opens up a shop.

Frank

Now let's say: that merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

Ed

All right.

That merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

Ed

That's a good plan, Frank.

Frank

What happened to your face?

I ran into a fire sprinkler?

Frank

[about a rock] Where did it come from?

That's very interesting, I have a theory about that. As you know Frank, billions of years ago, our Earth was a molten mass. But for some reason, not understood by scientists, the earth cooled, forming a crust, a hard igneous shell. That's what we scientists call "Rock".

We heard you had a bad accident. It's too bad you weren't protected.

Frank

The way I look at it, you owe me a hundred dollars for that window.

Us? I don't know what you're talking about.

Frank

[shows the rock] So how do you explain this?

Well, billions of years ago, the Earth was a molten mass...

Frank

It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment...she had neglected to give me her address.

[on phone with Stella] Schnooky lumps. You never called me that before. What happened last night to bring this on?

Frank

[instructing Stella what to say] When you held me in your manly armes and crushed me to your lips, I discovered what it meant to be a real woman. When I think of your handsome face, your cruel lips, your strong chin, the way you touch, the way you smother me with kisses...

Honey, I gotta go.

Who are you and how did you get in here?

Frank

I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.