Police Squad! quotes

Frank

My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad. There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models found naked and unconscious in laundromats on the West Side. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate holdups of neighborhood credit unions. I was across town doing my laundry when I got the call on the double killing. It took me twenty minutes to get there. My boss was already on the scene.

Well, I first heard the shot, and as I turned, Jim fell.

Frank

Jim Fell's the teller?

No, Jim Johnson.

Frank

Who's Jim Fell?

Ed

He's the auditor, Frank.

He had the flu, so Jim... filled in.

Frank

Phil who?

Ed

Phil Din. He's the night watchman.

Oh, if only Phil had been here...

Frank

We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.

Oh, poor Ralph! Do you know what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for fourteen years?

Frank

No, I can't say that I do. I did live with a guy once, though, but that was just for a couple of years. Usual slurs, rumours, innuendos - people didn't understand.

Frank

Ran him outta town like a common pygmy.

Ed

Did he have any enemies?

Well the Democrats didn't like him.

Frank

[continuing] Sure, he was a physical education major but he had a mind! He could think, he wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs. He got married, you know, later - had three kids. Never cared for her. Sent a nice gift, never got a note.

Ed

Now, I know this is a long shot, but did he ever eat chop suey?

No, no he never did.

Ed

It was just a hunch.

Frank

[continuing] I told him she was wrong. And that youngest boy, just like his father. Football hero. Lived with him for a year. It wasn't the same. You can't go back.

If the holdup man had been where Sally Decker said, the bullet should have penetrated deeper. Let me show you what we did. These guns are identical to the one that killed Jim Johnson. Watch carefully as I test-fire this gun into these videotapes of Barbara Walters' interviews. As you can see, it completely destroys the Burt Reynolds interview, and everything from Bo Derek to Paul Newman. But only up to the point where Barbara asks "Is it difficult to love?" Now, let me show you what happens when the gun is fired from 3', which is the distance Sally claims the shots were fired from. Notice? Complete destruction, right up to the point where she asks Katherine Hepburn what kind of tree she'd like to be.

Frank

Sorry, Buddy. No sax before a fight.

Frank Drebin

Now do you think you can beat The Champ?

I can take him blindfolded.

Frank Drebin

What if he's not blindfolded?

I can still beat him.

How many fingers do you see?

...Thursday?

Frank

Coffee?

No, thank you.

Frank

Tea?

No.

Frank

[as a dessert cart is wheeled over] Éclair? Rum ball? Torte?

No, really, thank you.

Frank

Now, we can't let these vermin infest our city. We'll have a rotten, scum-sucking cesspool.

[Gagging] Frank please, I'm trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich.

Frank

A rat-infested, worm-ridden festering boil.

Ed

Frank, cut it out would ya, I'm talking to my mother.

Ed

I tell ya Frank, without a witness, we're dead.

Frank

Well, maybe we're just gonna have to get our own evidence first-hand.

Ed

I don't understand Frank.

Frank

Well, let's say a new merchant moves into the neighborhood, opens up a shop.

Ed

All right.

A new merchant moves into the neighborhood and opens up a shop.

Frank

Now let's say: that merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

Ed

All right.

That merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

Ed

That's a good plan, Frank.

Frank

What happened to your face?

I ran into a fire sprinkler?

Frank

[about a rock] Where did it come from?

That's very interesting, I have a theory about that. As you know Frank, billions of years ago, our Earth was a molten mass. But for some reason, not understood by scientists, the earth cooled, forming a crust, a hard igneous shell. That's what we scientists call "Rock".

We heard you had a bad accident. It's too bad you weren't protected.

Frank

The way I look at it, you owe me a hundred dollars for that window.

Us? I don't know what you're talking about.

Frank

[shows the rock] So how do you explain this?

Well, billions of years ago, the Earth was a molten mass...

Frank

It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment...she had neglected to give me her address.