Ed Hocken quotes from Police Squad!

Well, I first heard the shot, and as I turned, Jim fell.

Frank

Jim Fell's the teller?

No, Jim Johnson.

Frank

Who's Jim Fell?

Ed

He's the auditor, Frank.

He had the flu, so Jim... filled in.

Frank

Phil who?

Ed

Phil Din. He's the night watchman.

Oh, if only Phil had been here...

Oh, poor Ralph! Do you know what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for fourteen years?

Frank

No, I can't say that I do. I did live with a guy once, though, but that was just for a couple of years. Usual slurs, rumours, innuendos - people didn't understand.

Frank

Ran him outta town like a common pygmy.

Ed

Did he have any enemies?

Well the Democrats didn't like him.

Frank

[continuing] Sure, he was a physical education major but he had a mind! He could think, he wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs. He got married, you know, later - had three kids. Never cared for her. Sent a nice gift, never got a note.

Ed

Now, I know this is a long shot, but did he ever eat chop suey?

No, no he never did.

Ed

It was just a hunch.

Frank

[continuing] I told him she was wrong. And that youngest boy, just like his father. Football hero. Lived with him for a year. It wasn't the same. You can't go back.

Frank

Now, we can't let these vermin infest our city. We'll have a rotten, scum-sucking cesspool.

[Gagging] Frank please, I'm trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich.

Frank

A rat-infested, worm-ridden festering boil.

Ed

Frank, cut it out would ya, I'm talking to my mother.

Ed

I tell ya Frank, without a witness, we're dead.

Frank

Well, maybe we're just gonna have to get our own evidence first-hand.

Ed

I don't understand Frank.

Frank

Well, let's say a new merchant moves into the neighborhood, opens up a shop.

Ed

All right.

A new merchant moves into the neighborhood and opens up a shop.

Frank

Now let's say: that merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

Ed

All right.

That merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

Ed

That's a good plan, Frank.

He hangs out there with some chorus girl, a floozy named Mimi Du Jour.

Ed

Du Jour? Is she French?

That's just her stage name, her real name is Mimi Coffee.

Ed

Coffee?

No, thank you.

We went to the movies.

Frank

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, On the Waterfront.

Ed

Come on, there are no movie theaters on the waterfront.

I can't believe anybody could do something so cruel.

Frank

Senseless brutality, senseless waste.

Ed

Cut down in the prime of life.

That car was a classic, a '68. Do you suppose the widow would take $1,500 for it?

Frank

All right Eddie, let's go over it one more time. Where were you last night?

I told you a dozen times, I was at the movies.

[after coming in] I got the sandwiches here.

Ed

All right Eddie, you went to the movies. Now what did you see?

I told you, I don't remember.

Who had the egg salad?

Ed

[mocking Eddie] I don't remember.

Somebody ordered it.

Frank

You don't expect us to buy that.

But I already paid for it.

Why don't you give a guy a break?

Thanks a lot.

What's the charge?

$4.58.

Ed

What are you trying to do, insult us?

Okay, $3.50. Coffee's on me.

I told you, I went to the movies, I fell asleep, I don't remember.

Frank

You don't expect us to swallow that.

All right, I'll eat it! But I don't think it's fair that I should have to pay for it. [walks away]

Ed

All right Eddie, let's say you did go to the movies.

Okay.

You did go to the movies.

Frank

Now let's say you were nowhere near the Club Flamingo.

All right.

You were nowhere near the Club Flamingo.

Frank

Then, explain this to me. [shows him the matchbox]

Well, you take this little cardboard stick out with sulfur on the end, and you rub it on the edges, and it makes fire.

Frank

Is there a ransom note?

Ed

Yes, the butler found it; it was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab; they're demanding one million dollars.

Frank

Why would the lab demand a million dollars?

Ed

The Kidnappers made the demand, Frank.

Frank

Oh.