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S1 E1

Police Squad! · Season 1, Episode 1

Mrs. Twice, Frank and others in “A Substantial Gift”

Mrs. Twice

Oh, poor Ralph! Do you know what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for fourteen years?

Frank

No, I can't say that I do. I did live with a guy once, though, but that was just for a couple of years. Usual slurs, rumours, innuendos - people didn't understand.

[Mrs. Twice tries not to cry. Ed gives Mrs. Twice a handkerchief and she starts crying into it.]

Frank

Ran him outta town like a common pygmy.

[Mrs. Twice starts crying a little harder.]

Ed

Did he have any enemies?

Mrs. Twice

Well the Democrats didn't like him.

Frank

[continuing] Sure, he was a physical education major but he had a mind! He could think, he wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs. He got married, you know, later - had three kids. Never cared for her. Sent a nice gift, never got a note.

Ed

Now, I know this is a long shot, but did he ever eat chop suey?

Mrs. Twice

No, no he never did.

Ed

It was just a hunch.

Frank

[continuing] I told him she was wrong. And that youngest boy, just like his father. Football hero. Lived with him for a year. It wasn't the same. You can't go back.

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