Scenes with Penn 22
[Opening lines. Penn and Teller are standing in front of a bull - the bull moos.]
PennYou might be wondering what our... friend is doing here. Well, he's one of the many creators of... bullshit! And he has the best of interest in this show because we're taking a look at the animal rights movement in general, and more specifically, a group called PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. These are folks who don't want animals killed, hurt, exploited or... embarrassed. Okay, we're gonna try it their way. We aren't gonna tease or abuse the bull. He doesn't have a cute name like... Elsie or... Moo-Moo or... Heifer Lips. His name is Dave. Nothing funny about that. We wouldn't do anything to this animal that we wouldn't do to each other. Except... call him Dave. Here you go...
[Penn applies a branding iron that says "BULLSHIT!" to Teller's right buttock.].
[off-camera] Mother-FUCKER! Oh...!
Penn
Hey cool, Dave! He can talk!
JVJerry Vlasak
I think that violence and non-violence are not moral principles, they're tactics.
Penn
WHAT?!
JVJerry Vlasak
Violence and non-violence are not moral principles, they're tactics.
Penn
Sweet evil Jesus! What did he say?
JVJerry Vlasak
Violence and non-violence are not moral principles, they're tactics.
Penn
"Ethical," my achin' ass!
[Opening lines. Teller swings a clock on a string in front of Penn's face.]
TTeller (off-screen)
Your eyes are so heavy now, so heavy, they burn! Close them! Close them and feel yourself sinking down... down! [Teller puts the clock in his pocket and lays a cinder block on Penn's body] Feel your body tingling, and becoming absolutely rigid, rigid as a heavy wooden beam! [Teller then grabs a sledgehammer] And now, the tingling resumes, and you are feeling no... pain—
[As Teller is about to smash the cinderblock, Penn interrupts.]
Penn
Hold the phone! Before we do this, let's make sure hypnotism isn't bullshit.
JWJimmy Walter
I firmly believe that most of the alleged passengers on the alleged hijacked planes are still alive and quite frankly, I think they were all probably working for the government.
Penn
Fuck you! We really hope this fuck-up runs into a family member of someone who's died. They may not take kindly to the idea that Daddy's faking his death somewhere.
CLClyde Lewis
Do you really think that one morning in November 1963, Lee Oswald just got up and said "I'm gonna shoot the President today"?
Penn
Yes, but that's not a very sexy answer!
Penn
You'd think our Bullshit! experiment would settle the whole "gay" thing. But then there's this asshole!
HZHans Zyger
As the homosexual movement became much more entrenched into American culture starting in the late 60's...it really became an opportunity for pedophiles to make a mass assault on the Boy Scouts.
Penn
Fuck you in the neck, mother fucker!
JMDr. John Mayer
My postulate is that people are rude—
Penn
Oh! There it is! Thank you, folks! Good night, everybody!
[The credits roll, but then cut back to the show]
Penn
What? There's more show? Damn!
GGloria
If you're in a restaurant with a tablecloth, you do not eat a hamburger with your fingers. Rather, you take your knife, cut it in half, and eat one half.
Penn
(voice over) Have some self-respect, Gloria. If the chef at this world-class restaurant thought his hamburger would be better eaten in halves, he would have cut the fucking sandwich himself!! You ignorant, self-serving, kill-joy, nit-picking, burger-cutting bitch!! Whore! Asshole! Cunt.
JEJoycelyn Elders
I'm against abstinence programs because I really consider "abstinence only" child abuse.
Penn
Oh, SNAP.
[Steve Trombley, Chicago president/CEO of Planned Parenthood, talks about "abstinence only" programs.]
STSteve Trombley
I think, in fact, we should really call it "ignorance only" education.
. . .
STSteve Trombley
We teach abstinence in every course we do…
Penn
[voiceover] Yeah! Planned Parenthood tells kids not having sex is okay, too! The difference is they realize that kids don't fucking listen.
STSteve Trombley
But we also live in the real world, and we know that over half of teenagers in this country engage in sexual activity.
[Cut back to Elders.]
JEJoycelyn Elders
We've tried ignorance for a thousand years. It's time we try education.
[A videotape of an exorcism is shown. On video, the minister prays over the subject, pours oil on his head, and then throws a bucket of water over him.]
Penn
(Voiceover) Apparently these demons are vulnerable to a splash of olive oil. Maybe they're made of low density lipoproteins?
SSubject
[on video] Ugggh! Get away from me! You motherfucking asshole!
Penn
(Voiceover) Took the words right out of my mouth.
[Two Hispanic men looking like Penn & Teller come up to the camera. The subtitles are in the corresponding (inaccurate) translation of the language - English subtitles for spoken Spanish, Spanish subtitles for spoken English]
FPFaux Penn
Me llamo Penn Jillette, y éste es mi socio Teller. ¿Qué chingados está pensando este güey? Los inmigrantes tomamos los trabajos que nadie quiere hacer y eso mejora--
[Translation: My name is Penn Jillette and this is my partner, Teller. What the fuck is that asshole thinking? "Illegal" immigrants are taking the jobs that no one wants to do and that's quickly improving our way of life.]
Penn
What the fuck? What the fucking fuck? What the f— get the fuck out of here! These are our jobs! What the— what the fuck? Star! These are our jobs!
[Translation: ¡Largate de aqui! ¡Estos son nos trabajos! ¡Star! ¡Estos son nos trabajos!]
SStar
[off camera] But the other guys are cheaper!
[Translation: Pero los otros tipos son mas baratos.]
Penn
You are so fucking fired. And turn off this subtitle shit! This is America!
[Translation: Estas tan despedido, pendejo. ¡Apaga ese pinche subtitulo. Estamos en los Estados Unidos!]
[Teller kicks the subtitle header, it veers off view]
FPFaux Penn
Mientras América ofrezca la libertad y la oportunidad, las personas vendrán aquí con las rodillas manchadas de sangre. ¡Simón, güey! Como sus abuelos o bisabuelos lo hicieron. Una persona valiente para dejar su casa, la tradición, y la familia, para venir a América y trabajar para una mejor vida, para él o para ella misma y su familia, deberán de recibirlos con los pinches brazos abiertos.
[Translation: As long as America offers freedom and opportunity, people will come here on bloodied knees. Fuck yeah! Just like your parents or great grandparents did. A person brave enough to leave home, tradition, and family, to come to America and work for a better life, for him or herself and his or her family, should be welcomed with open fucking arms.]
Penn
And if you can mow lawn, or build fences, or juggle, or do tricks, or write comedy better or cheaper than what we've got, we'll hire your fucking ass. And will use all the time and money and effort you're saving us to-- to live a little. And you know, it's still our names on the fucking show. See, I told you we'd get tits in the show somehow.
[Translation: Y si tu corta cespedes o costruye las cercas, o juegos malabares o, hace las artimanas o escribe la comedia mejor o mas barata que lo que hemos obtenido, emplearemos la bola de cabrones. Y utilizaremos todo el tiempo y el dinero el esfuerzo que salvas, a vivir un poco. Y tu sabes, todavia estan nuestros nombres en el show. Ya ves, que de alguna manera los agaramos.]
HRHoward Richmond
It sounds a little pompous, but I do believe that I have a gift to tune into people. Some people would refer to it like I'm the psychic pianist.
Penn
It's not pompous to say you're psychic. It's BULLSHIT TO SAY YOU'RE PSYCHIC!! But I digress. I'm not angry.
[talking to an orgasm session participant who just met his partner 20 minutes ago]
PParticipant
We can get very intimate very quickly by doing this without going through long conversation and the usual uh, challenge that people, you know, through words.
Penn
Ahhh, wait. I have a Dickwad to English dictionary here... he means, uh, "who actually wants to go through the hassle of having to actually talk to the bitch?"
Penn & Teller: Bullshit! · 101 quotes