Penn quotes from Penn & Teller: Bullshit!

Penn

The fight to stop Wal-Mart has happened in small towns and big cities alike, all across the country. We went to one of those towns: Greenfield, Massachusetts, population 18,000. Greenfield is not just "Everyone's Hometown". It is, most importantly, my hometown.

Penn

And then there's this asshole... Sometimes it must seem like I'm talking out my asshole. This time, I literally am.

Penn

That's bullshit. Your colon is not an English muffin. It doesn't have nooks and crannies. If we didn't put Chris through all this stupid shit today, he would've simply shat out all that shit tomorrow. It's as easy as that.

Penn

"Provide a Clear and Comprehensive National Mandate for the Elimination of Discrimination Against Individuals with Disablities." That's what the Americans with Disabilities Act says it's gonna do. What the fucking fuck? What is wrong with us? Have we all gone fucking crazy? We think the government is so good at what it does, the war on drugs, the war on poverty, the war on war. The government is so fucking good at that, they can fucking do anything? They can make us all physically equal, they can heal the lame, they can make the fucking blind fucking see! How about the government sticks to courts, police, defense, and corruption, and leaves compassion to people that fucking have that! Motherfuckers!

Penn

Decadence is a freedom with a smile.

Penn

Uh-oh. Looks like there's trouble at Orgasmo University.

Penn

It takes a woman twenty minutes to reach orgasm. It takes a man two minutes. What other fucking proof do you need that there's no god?

Penn

Astrology is a 4000 year old form of bullshit that postulates a mystical correspondence between your destiny and the position the sun and moon were in when you were born.

Penn

Next time you feel like worrying about fake violent video games, try a little gedankenexperiment: imagine that video games were invented 100 years before football. Picture school video game teams and uniforms and hot-ass cheerleaders with big, bouncing pom-poms. Now imagine after 100 years of extracurricular video game fun, football is invented and introduced to schools. Thousands of kids get real, no kidding, no fantasy, no make-believe broken knees, legs, ankles, cervical trauma, heatstroke, and concussions! [Throughout Penn's injury list, the crowd quiets, eventually becoming totally silent.] ... What would parents do? From 1931 to 2007, 650 kids died... from injuries they suffered playing football. This is not video game violence — this is real violence done to real children by other real children, all encouraged by schools and society. Every parent worries about his or her kids; every adult worries about all children, but you need to pick what you think is worth worrying about.

Penn

[Posing over a fake grave of Harry Houdini] Harry, can you believe it? The same bullshit you so thoroughly debunked almost a century ago is continuing, and even enjoying a resurgence. [To camera] See? Anyone can talk to the dead. Getting an answer, that's the hard part.

Teller

[Through the plastic gravestone] Bullshit!

Let me hear you say "Hallelujah!"

Hallelujah!

Penn

A lot of real scientists make you say "Hallelujah!"

If we could see beyond the limitations of our five senses, we would see George Bush the Father and George Bush the Son as reptilian entities.

Penn

[semi-sarcastically] You know, this is the first thing anyone's said that makes sense.

Penn

So, when does Bruce believe the bombs will start dropping?

The date which a lot of people feel right at this moment is about the 8th of December.

Penn

Relax! He's talking about 2002 [which had passed]. You can start breathing again!

Penn

You know, when you hear about people predicting the end of the world, they're always predicting 60 to 90 % of the world's population is going to get killed. It's odd how they're always planning on what they're going to do when everyone else is dead. Teller and I have always played the odds, so, we're betting we're gonna die. You should see our credit card bills. They're higher than our cholesterol! Good thing we don't plan on paying 'em! [microphone appears] I'm sure that we—

Cut! Cut. The mic was in the shot. We have to go again.

Penn

Fuck you, it's the end of the world! If you live, you can fix it in post.

John Hogue; rogue scholar!

Penn

Get it? Hogue! Rogue! It rhymes! And scholar, well... not a chance.