Peep Show Season 1 quotes

Print you damnable fudger.

Elena

Isn’t there a saying in life: “Whatever you don’t know makes you stronger”?

Mark

No.

Elena

Maybe it would be better if you told him.

Mark

Better for who? For you?

I'm in a relationship, Mark...and it's a same-sex relationship. And I don't find you attractive. Even speaking objectively.

Mark

(Great! The big triple: uninterested, unavailable and physically repulsed.)

I'm freezing. Could you throw me a rope?

Mark

I haven’t got a rope.

What do you mean, you haven’t got a rope?

Mark

I don't own a rope! I don't own a boat, or any cattle, or any of the things that ropes are useful for. What the hell would you do with a rope, anyway?

Climb up it!

Mark

Oh, sure. Climb up it, using your strength.

Well, you could pull me up.

Mark

Yeah, I could haul you up using my muscles.

Mark

It'd be like picking off bystanders with a sniper rifle: fun at first, but it would quickly become a depressing chore.

Suze! Have you seen the big scissors? Have you moved the big scissors?

Even a dried up, dessicated old branflake on toast like you should be able to see that!

Mark

(If I’m a branflake, he’s a slutty Sugar Puff!)

Did you make the bed? You're not my wife, Mark. I had a wife, I don't need another bullet in the head...okay? Righty righty!

Mark

(I made his bed and got his tea, I am his wife!)

I’m like Raffles! No? No clothes for Raffles. Raffles doesn’t deserve clothes.

You've known for two whole days! That's...sick!

Dobby

Hey Mark!!

Mark

Hi Dobbs. I just happened to be passing. I remember you were saying if I happened to be passing.. (Two buses here, three buses home. Five convenient buses.)

Mark

Oh God, I can't believe I'm having a party!

I am so proud of you. There was everyone thinking you were just this fusty, sweater-wearing, spirit-crushing no-fly-zone with ten foot carrot up his ass.

Mark

Yeah, obviously it is only a tactical party. I'm only having a party to eventually get sex.

This is only reason anyone in recorded history has had a party Mark!

Big of you, inviting him.

Mark

I thought it would look petty and vindictive not to, and as a petty and vindictive individual I have to take extra care not to appear petty or vindictive.

Mark

I need to get Gerrard incredibly fucked. Booze, drugs, whatever.

Chemical castration; classic.