Hi Soph, how are you? How are you feeling?
Well... I want to give things another go.
You... you do?
No, of course I fucking don't!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[about Jeremey's show in the club Fuckbunker, after Dobby seduced Mark earlier in a closet]
I just wondered if you fancied coming down with me to the Fuckbunker.
Is that what you call the stationery cupboard?
This is piggin' massive!
JJez
What's going on?
Barney's locked himself in the bathroom.
JJez
What did you do to him?
Nothing...jesus...
BBarney
He's a fucker!
JJez
Has he been sucking you off?
No! Of course not...
BBarney
Yes.
Well...maybe once...
JJez
What the fuck are we going to do!?!? We don't know how to play his mu...our music. We're the frontmen! I was planning on just waving a maraca and giving the hotties my sex eyes.
BBarney
I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home.
JJez
What's going on?
He wants to go home.
[Discussing Barney] He's in a K-Hole right now, but in ten the speed'll kick in. Can a coke and a cig, he'll be right as rain.
Okay, what now? Go home and roast the shit out of some meat.
Look at us Jez, we're letting our lives slip through our fingers. Maybe you don't care, but I need to get out there. And I'm never going to meet a woman in a pub, or a nightclub, or an art gallery, or a bookshop, or any other formal or informal social gathering. Realistically it's just not going to happen.
Recognise this, Jeremy?! I went to get the Cherry Garcia out to defrost and look what I found inside! [holds up a post-it note] "Look, I know what you think happened and yes you're right I have eaten all your ice cream." This is it. This is the line. You have crossed the line!
JJez
Read the mitigating circumstances. There are loads.
[Mark is making a list of everything that Jez can consume.]
Toilet paper, OK. Soap, OK. But not shower gel. And no razors. If you're poor, grow a beard. Tea Bags are allowed within limits.
JJez
Limits? What Limits?
No making a pie out of tea or anything weird.
JJez
Look Mark, lay off, will you? The thing is... and, I keep meaning to tell you this, but, basically, a few years ago, mummy gave me a nest egg, and I kept on meaning to... invest, but it turns out, I've spent it.
You ate your nest egg? You're meant to sit on your nest egg 'til it hatches, not eat it like some greedy mad chicken. Well, the solution's obvious: get a job!
JJez
Yeah, fine, whatever, but it's difficult, you know? There just aren't that many media positions out there. That's the reality.
So? Do something else. Get on your bike.
JJez
I can't believe you're trying to make me get a job not in the media. You're such a bastard.
You have to pay rent, Jeremy, that needs to happen.
[Jez takes a sausage from Mark's plate]
Put the sausage back! I'm deadly serious! Y-you never pay any rent - if you start stealing from me as well, that's it, you'll have to move out. This is the final straw!
[Jez eats the sausage anyway]
JJez
(Mmm... Delicious Cumberland final straw, dripping in onion gravy.)
Ah, the results are in! What does the swingometer say?!
SDSpeed Dating Hostess
Well, I'm afraid you've got no matches for dating...
What?!! None?! But number 23 said she was definitely going to tick! That's a verbal contract!
SDSpeed Dating Hostess
Well, maybe you could take her to court
Yeah, speed dating! I'd be better off speed skating! (Doesn't really work. But she gets the point. I'm just another reject slowly slipping out of the gene pool to get hoovered up by the sex industry.) Ohhh, Saz, she implied she might be ticking. Maybe she did tick! Maybe the data wasn't collated correctly! Maybe she's my hanging chad
[To nurse at the sperm bank]
JJez
I just want to assure you that I am not the same as the rest of these feckless cumshedders. So if you ever need anyone for a private donation...you've got my details. (Urgh, bit creepy, the spermy atmosphere is cramping my style. Right, time to open my sticky bank account. Hey, where's the porn? No porn? Am I supposed to just dry hump myself? Must be something I could use. [pulls out a £20 note] Would it be wrong? Why not? It's a free country.)
I've been thinking ... it's been great having you here. But you've done the south now - the London Eye, the Trocadero - so you probably want to be heading up north. [...] There's a Harvey Nichols in Leeds that everyone goes on about, as if it's the answer to something.
SSaz
Don't kick me out, Marco.
There's an ANZAC memorial in Huddersfield.
JJez
So that's what it comes down to, is it? You don't want to bone me, so I'm out - it's that brutal. Have you seen the old man, down by the seaman's mission? Yes - not very fuckable, is he?
[sings] Jeff's doing a joke, Jeff's doing a joke, everybody quiet 'cos Jeff's doing a joke!
Freak.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Peep Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.