Peep Show · Season 1
[Right, you shit! It's mutually assured destruction!] Suze, I'm afraid I have to inform you that Jeremy has or may have a sexually transmitted disease. I'm sorry I had to tell you...
Mark! Shut up!
Is it AIDS?
Course it's not AIDS, this isn't the 80s. It's the best STD, just cute old mostly symptomless Chlamydia.
You know Jez... I've started to get this feeling that I'm totally, totally fucked... You know, I fucked up my wedding, I fucked up my only relationship. Everything's just completely fucked.
You have been thinking this for a while, haven't you?
Mark mentions he'd like to be a scout master. Jeremy smirks
What? You don't have to be a paedophile to want to work with children.
But it probably helps.
I spent five happy years in the scouts! And never once...
[Interrupting] You told me kinky Leyton was all over you.
Yeah, alright Leyton was a bit of a paedo. just boosting you over the climbing wall, making you run around the camp in your pants... But it was old style paedoing, before it got such a bad name. (Of course, Leyton only ever really had eyes for Duncan Carpenter, the doe-eyed little flirt).
This is a chain-on scenario.
Mmmm. Why toast when you can roast?
Another roast? That's the third today.
What's nicer than a roast?
Yeah, but, chain-eating roasts?
Ugh no... Heartbreak Tuna! No, just bin it. But not literally - no need to be dramatic. Freeze it. See how I feel in six months.
If she wants a PR War, then she can have a PR War... I'll Mandelson her! Nobody wanted New Labour, Jeremy, but now we all know how it works.
Mmmm, Piggin' Tea Break. Cup of piggin' tea and work out my piggin' campaign strategy.
Erm, Mark, I just want to say about the wedding... that I think you're a real piece of shit.
Oh... OK. (That's fair. Lisa is a very fair person.)
[Jeremy plays Barney's music to Super Hans]
Yeah, this is raw. Who is this, is this us?
Shit, he's done something there. How's he done that?
I think that what's happening is maybe two or three different musical things, at the same time!
Have you read the Big Beat Manifesto lately?
Did we write it down?
The Big Beat Manifesto goes "Big Beats are the best, Get high all the time".
Right. At the time, it felt like a much more all-encompassing philosophy.
I think this is probably the best example of the sort of stuff we'd do we've ever had.
Oh yeah. 'cause sometimes it's really hard actually to do your own ideas.
By the way, is it possible to get a block on a couple of e-mail addresses?
Why, what have you been getting?
Ah, just the usual... crap.
[reading] You're a piece of shit. Shitter, Stuff your bollocks up your gob...
It's just mates and that.
[still reading] Fuck off and shut up and die?
Yeah they're pretty funny.
Arseholes.
[after Dobby asks Mark to reach something high inside a closet room]
Erm...you'll, you'll have to...move.
Yeah, I should move, but...I might not move. [begins to rub her bottom against Mark's crotch]
(Is she shifting her bum against my area?) Are you sure you don't wanna get out of the way?
I'm alright.
(What if someone comes in? Should step away. Step away from the bum. Bit impolite to step away, I don't want to step away.)
I got some feta today.
Oh, feta? That's a sheep's cheese isn't it?
I don't know.
Yeah, I believe so. (This is possibly the most exciting thing that has happended to anyone ever. Does she know what she's doing? Is she just innocently waggling her bum around and I'm getting illegal benefit? I'm not doing a sexual assault am I? You can't do a sexual assault if you stay still like a statue. I'm just a statue, a dirty, filthy statue. Oh God, I'm getting very... Captain Corrigan if flying without a licence! Oh Jesus, it's too much, I'm going to blow my beans! I'm going to do a Chesil Beach! Don't let her know!) A-ah...!
Are you okay?
I'm fine, but sorry, I should be going 'cause you know, the world turns on its axis, one man works while another relaxes. Ah, Post-its.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Peep Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
