So, did Cally tell you about her and me...much?
No, no, God no. Don't worry, nothing like that. (She stopped him in the middle! I'll save that for a rainy day! That's money in the bank!)
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Hey Jez!
JJez
Oh, hi Mark.
This may be the best day of my life! War with Sophie is over, and Johnson's given me a promotion! I've only got my own bloody little office.
JJez
That's great. Good for you.
(Uh-oh, the ghost at the feast, better take the mustard off.)
Well it wasn't that great. Lunch was pretty nothing-y. Baked potato...again...Are you, alright Jez?
JJez
I've just been doing alot of thinking.
(Oh shit.)
JJez
Why do I do half the stupid shit I do? I've been thinking, maybe I'm not in the one percent of people who think they're going to be famous musicians and are totally right. But, in the ninety-nine percent of talentless, misguided dickheads.
I'm not running a rehab clinic. This is a maximum security business institution.
I've actually, I've got some news. Big news.
Oh yes? (Please don't say you're pregnant. Please don't say you're pregnant.)
I'm pregnant.
(FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!) [Calmly] Right, you're pregnant. Of course.
I did three home tests last night and they were all positive.
Only three?
JJez
Are you angry?
You had sex with my wife, Jeremy!! That's quite a number, even for you. But then, on the other hand, I was definitely having a baby which, to be honest, wasn't really on my to do list for the year, so in a way, things are looking up.
JJez
Such a relief to tell you. It's been ever so weird ever since it happened. I've had this really bad feeling, like in my brain.
It's called guilt, Jeremy. Most people feel it quite a bit when they've done something wrong.
JJez
And...what about the...issue?
Oh, well, if Sophie continues down her path towards self destruction, we'll probably end up adopting like a couple of gay dads anyway. So there's no need to know whose it is.
JJez
Right! Who knows. Who the fuck cares!
Right. (Oh Jesus)
JJez
(Oh Jesus)
You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA, but you've also got a fucking van. You're not just a man anymore - you are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.
OK. Keys, change, wallet, phone. OK.
Jesus.. You are something else.
Thank you very much.
(He took the insult as a compliment. Shit! He could become invulnerable!)
One small spritzer, half a unit. Should I have got written permission?
Listen to her, she's exaggerating for comic effect!
The recession is here and my new sofa is a white elephant.
JJez
[Stroking the leather] It's a creamy elephant!
Please don't call it the creamy elephant.
Oh my god! It's wheels within wheels! I've been invited inside, with the bean counters and the water boarders!
(At some point he's going to find out what goes in sausages.)
[The fire alarm goes off at JLB]
..what's?
Fire alarm.
Oh God, look at you. Frightened little mouse.
It's a fire alarm Jeremy!
Oh yeah, right, like there's a fire! There's never a fire, Mark, it just doesn't happen! I mean, maybe in a film, but...
So what? There's never been a fire, anywhere?
Not in an office, in England. God, you're pathetic! Ooh, fire! Please don't burn me or my possessions! I'm so important and flammable!
Is this a test?
SGSecurity Guard
No, not a test.
Come on, Mark! Fucking hell, get your elbows in! It's all gone backdraft!
I thought I might do a skit with Dobbie.
JJez
Oh, I get it! The smell of the grease-paint, the swish of the curtain, the rub-job in the dressing room.
[Discussing both being fired]
They've really screwed us, man!
They've screwed me, they've diddled you at best.
[Mark and Jez see Elena at the supermarket]
She is very attractive. But brown rice and Pop Tarts? Camomile tea and economy vodka? That's a car crash of a shopping basket.
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