[Trying to operate the new boiler] Obey my commands, Orac!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Mark, just because today was the first time you have ever, ever, EVER successfully arranged a date with a woman, does not suddenly make you Alfie, OK?
Why do you insist on seeing the anus as some sort of human USB port, just waiting to have all kinds of hardware plugged into it?
Fork my leg.
I do sort of want to but... no, too weird!
We are not equals-pequals!
You haven't drunk all the difficult conversation wine, have you?
Just because I'm dealing a little bit of drugs it does not make me a drug dealer!
Yes it does.
Oh God. Come Mr Taliban, tally my bananas!
Condom, condom, condom. Although maybe, two?
Two condoms?
Two's company. In fact, maybe I should go for a third. Three is the magic number. (I've got to tell her. I couldn't slide this in anyway. It'll be like trying to clingfilm an earthworm.)
Shove that up your bollocks!
JJez
Oh and I saw the porn she was looking at! Man, it's hot! She's got great taste, it was the most fantastic porn I've ever seen.
Isn't it just the usual dead-eyed men fucking dead-eyed women in a desperate world of pain?
JJez
I don't want to tempt fate, but I think everything is going to be totally great forever.
JJez
Always wipe, Mark. Discharge your pipe, then have a wipe. That's the rhyme.
JJez
She's the one person for me, in the whole world.
Isn't it convenient that out of the approximately three billion adult women in the world, your one true love happens to live in the same block of flats as you, instead of in a village in Mozambique?
Why does everything have to be fun to be worthwhile? Crick and Watson have discovered the double helix. Did they do it on a skateboard? No? Well fuck off then, I'm not interested.
Obviously it would be really great if you were happy but it's not the most pressing thing.
No... no, of course not.
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