It wasn't rape, alright? It was just a minor sexual assault. She didn't force anything up my bum - that's why it's not rape.
JJez
Well, it's not bum-rape, no.
Never said it was bum-rape, Mark.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
War is never a picnic. Although obviously soldiers do end up eating outdoors a lot.
JJez
If they can't get to Corfu, they can't spend my money. That's physics.
[Cally is signing up Jez and Super Hans' band]
Any questions?
Yeah, there are certain countries within the European Union that I'm barred from entering. You got a problem with that?
Nope
I'm a very sexual performer. Are you going to be able to handle that?
[Scoffs] Yes!
Wow, we've finally met the man. And the man is a woman. And he's hot!
Wow, this is definitely happening. Okay, got to focus. It's very important for my future career development that I give my manager an orgasm.
It's so frustrating. There must be thousands of cash-rich and time-poor singles out there, I just don't have the time to meet them. I'm a gap in the market, somebody fill me!
(I'll fill you!! I love you, Cally! You are the one! Let's get married by Alan Sugar and live off all-butter croissants in Canary Wharf!)
We want to wallow in our own filth, Mark. Have a good old fucking wallow.
A suitcase with wheels? Real men don't get the earth to carry their luggage for them, mate. They carry it themselves.
I thought you were a business brain Mark, but you're better than that. You're what my grandma would call 'a real piece of shit'
Do you want to date? Are you a dater?
(Well, err, I have been out with women...so I guess...)
(Wow, I've got a date! I'm a real piece of shit! I bet those two things go hand-in-hand. I bet if I got into defrauding pensioners, the pussy would really start rolling in.)
How could you possibly make one of these [crystal skulls] except by some type of magic?
In a factory...from glass.
Oh sure, c'mon! Could you make that?
No.
Could ANYONE?
Yes.
Look, Mark, this is important to me. If we're going anywhere, I need you to tell me that you believe in crystal skulls.
(Please don't make me believe in them.)
Do you believe?
I do believe in crystal skulls.
And what do you believe about them?
I believe that they were crafted by the ancient inhabitants of Atlantis and that they're powerful centres of healing.
There, that wasn't so hard, was it?
(Sorry, science. Sorry, Enlightenment. Sorry, logic.)
[Mark and Cally are in bed after having sex together]
(Well, that was great. Apart from the skull sending out its invisible rays of bullshit, I think that might be my best ever sexual experience)
Okay, I think we have to have a talk. About the whole thing.
I'm sorry? The whole...?
The whole sexual experience. I have to say, that was very disappointing.
Oh, right.
I don't mean to be rude, but is that the kind of thing you usually do?
Well, I suppose, in general....what, what exactly did I do wrong?
Well, it was better than with Jeremy though. With Jeremy, I had to stop him in the middle.
You stopped Jeremy in the middle?
Sorry, is this weird for you, do you want to know?
[reluctantly] I do...a bit
He's like a red setter bounding after a tennis ball, you're like a captain solemnly going down with his ship.
Well, well that's good to know.
But we can try again, just as long as you're prepared for me to tell you exactly what to do?
That could be a good system.
[Jeremy's been baptised]
There's like a 1 per cent chance the whole Jesus thing is true. In which case I'll have something to pull out of the bag on Judgement Day.
We'd be selling our souls.
Well, we'd be selling our souls to Jesus. Isn't he the best person to sell your soul to? It's his whole setup.
She's trying to shaft me, Mark! You've gotta dump her, it's a no-brainer.
It is not a no-brainer. I'll have to think about it. It's a brainer. It's a real brainer. See the thing is, I don't think I've ever done sex right before.
Oh, you're fine, mate. Stick with Missionary, you're a sexual civilian. Leave the disgusting stuff to me.
Cally's teaching me, she's giving me second-by-second detailed instructions of what to put where for how long
That's cheating! Anyone can please a woman if she tells you what to do. You're not allowed to ask, that's the whole point.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Peep Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.