It's a pisser though, innit - cancer. They should find a fucking cure.
I think they're trying.
Yeah, sure they are. They should pull their fucking fingers out. It's important, Mark.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I have a mouth, but do not speak. I have a bed, but never sleep. What am I?
A river.
Nicholas Lyndhurst.
I think that's the wrong answer section.
Fuck this shit!
JJez
Twenty thousand pounds. I'm going to be a millionaire!
Wow, nice. Nice gun. Must be, what, a... war gun.
JJez
You've got sarcasm. I've got a big gun.
(Good old Jeremy's mum. The more sophisticated end of the mum spectrum. The sort of mum you'd buy in John Lewis.)
JJez
Mummy, coffee, fucky hurry uppy.
(Whereas he's the sort of son you'd get free with Nuts magazine.)
JJez
Did you bring those CDs like I told you?
JJackie
Oh yes, they're in my handbag. Shall I fetch them?
JJez
Might be an idea. Oh, and guess what, you forgot to top-up my phone. Again.
Sorry, Jez, is there some reason why you're being so incredibly rude to your mum?
JJez
Oh, right, stick up for mummy. You don't know her, Mark. You don't know her tricks. Anyway, what's it to you? Do you want to fuck my mum, is that it? Mum, Mark wants to fuck you.
Shut up, Jeremy.
JJez
He definitely wants to fuck you, Mum.
JJackie
Stop showing off to Mark, Jeremy.
JJez
Me? I'm not the one dressed like a prossy.
Please, Jez! This level of conflict may be usual for you, but it's not healthy - I'm going to have a heart attack!
JJez
Oh, and I suppose your relationship with your mum is healthy, is it? Sitting in silence watching Taggart. Thirty years of mutual resentment eating away at you.
We like Taggart. Even the new ones.
MMartin
Do you write at all?
Well...I did once start a business book and I've always fancied doing an article about the evacuation of Greece in 1941 for the local paper. Not that it would really fit in with all the kebab shop stabbings.
You really do have to get over this thing with your mum - you're not Hamlet. Stop being Hamlet.
JJez
Well, all right, I'll stop being Hamlet when you stop being...
(He can't think of a Shakespearean character!)
JJez
... a massive twat.
(Ha! He couldn't even think of Romeo! Romeo's easy!)
Jez - can you tell me, yeah, as a mate, someone who knows me really well, is the bottom half of me on fire?
[A beat] No
SSuperHans
Thanks
Are you tripping?
SSuperHans
Shit I'm seeing, I fucking hope so
(Is she straight? Gay? Doesn't bother me, just nice to know. It's not like I'm a homophobe. But it's good to know who you are. Stay safe. Praise the food, the lukewarm, disgusting food.) This food is superb.
JJez
How was the rest of your evening with Peaches Stalin?
JJez
It sounds like you've been raped, by a soldier, like in a Mike Leigh film.
NNatalie
I tell you what, let's make this next one an Irish wine.
Well, what's an Irish wine? (Look at me, talking happily to a lesbian about war and Irish wine. Good job you're dead Norman Mailer cos there's a new Gonzo in town.)
NNatalie
Whiskey usually makes me horny. It's a horny drink.
(When did we stop saying randy, I wonder. Horny has driven randy out)
JJez
Hello Natalie, how's your dad?
Jez, don't.
NNatalie
Yeah, fine thank you.
JJez
Enjoying my money, is he? Is he lying in a bath of my money nude, after having sex with my mum nude?
JJez
You, my friend, are a rape victim. [...] Do you have feelings of guilt and shame, self-loathing?
You know I do - don't load the question!
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