Orange Is the New Black quotes

A tunnel, Red? That is so Bugs Bunny.

Joe Caputo

You ever seen an image that sears itself into your brain? Like the movie about the hiker guy, where he cuts off his own arm with a Swiss Army knife? Yeah, the sound, the tendons! Fuck! I wish I never watched that part. You know what tops that for me? You know what image I can't unsee, it's still stuck in there, flickering at least once a day, making me want to lose my lunch?

No, sir.

Joe Caputo

Your bare ass, Mendez. Your pimply, white ass, bouncing up and down between the brooms and the mops, ramming into that poor girl. A girl you were supposed to protect and keep safe. Your ass, it haunts me.

I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

Joe Caputo

I've been doing this kind of work 25 years. And it's guys like you that give the whole profession a bad name. If it was up to me, you'd never set foot on this property again. But considering the DOC didn't press charges, it was your word against mine... until now.

Well, I've been doing my job, sir. Just gave out 15 shots this morning.

Joe Caputo

You got her pregnant.

No.

Joe Caputo

Sadly for her, yes. That poor girl is carrying around a sadistic little mustachioed shit inside her.

Whoa.

Joe Caputo

Mendez, you're fucking fired.

Joe Caputo

Mmm, this shameful sexual violation is really working out for you, isn't it?

I am just happy that we have helped to start a dialogue.

Poussey Washington

Let me ask you something. You come back to prison on accident or 'cause outside you're too weak for anybody to take serious? What, you got some kids think you hot shit? Big deal. You're like a pedophile without the sex. Bet the real players laugh in your face. Bet you let 'em fuck you for free, too.

Poussey Washington

[to Healy] Did it ever occur to you that we don't wanna get in touch with our feelings? That actually feeling our feelings might make it impossible to survive in here?

Piper Chapman

I'm talking about Alex. She should be under witness protection.

What do you care? I mean, didn't she screw you over in Chicago? Oh, that's right. That's kind of how you two relate, isn't it? It's like Spy vs. Spy, but sexual.

Are you not happy being a nun?

Sister Jane Ingalls

No! I love being a nun. If I seem prideful, it's only because I love the work I do and because I'm really good at it.

By your own estimation. There is a page in your book I'd like to read for you. "I have never heard Christ clearly in my heart. Either my heart's hard of hearing, or Christ can be a bit of a mumbler, and so I've learned to trust in my own moral instincts".

Sister Jane Ingalls

It's a joke. I'm comparing my marriage to Christ to a typical marriage.

"But it wasn't my moral instincts that led me to Nicaragua in the summer of '88. It was a young freedom fighter named Carlos.

Sister Jane Ingalls

Okay -

"With rock-hard abs under his jungle fatigues, Carlos was revolutionary in more ways than one and overthrowing the Sandinistas was not his only objective" -

Sister Jane Ingalls

Okay, now, that chapter's there for the mommy book-club crowd. They need a little beefcake with their politics!

You want to assassinate someone, vision is a basic requirement. It's like step one, pick a person to kill. Step two, kill that person!

We tell her it's a warning shot. Don't fuck with Red.

Or a 79 year old woman will shank someone you never met.

No offense, but, uh, men being in charge has never done me any good.

Sam Healy

Well, are you eating free cookies?

Yes.

Sam Healy

You should think about that before you get ideas.

How's this whole "agenda" thing work?

I got a lot of those. Specify.

The gay agenda to take over the world?

Okay. First of all, keep your voice down. This shit is top secret.

Are you gonna let all the men die out?

Oh, fuck, no, we need slaves. You know, bookkeeping, janitorial, fetch and carry, that kind of shit.

Yeah, what about for sex? 'Cause I know I like how they smell kind of funky and they're big and they have dicks and all that.

Well, maybe, but when you're done, you gotta toss 'em away like trash. I mean, the whole point of this is chicks digging each other and being in charge.

Let's say I wanna join, right?

Okay, let's say that. Shh.

Would I have to do anything disgusting against the word of God? You know? I'm talking about eating pussy, if you catch my drift.

Yeah, I hear you. And that is a big part of it, I'm not gonna lie. But since you have these religious convictions, eh, we can probably give you an exemption. I mean, we're not unreasonable.

This place is getting to me.

Oh, yeah. You just tried to strangle me with plastic wrap so that you can sell mascara in jail.

[to Piper] You know, 'cause if it really is to stay here in this shithole so you can get occasional visits from your demented girlfriend, I mean, then, man, it sounds like you're living the dream. But if you want my advice, then get out of your own goddamn drama for a minute, you know? And, maybe, spend some of that energy praying that your roommate makes it out of medical with all her brain cells intact.

[to Brook] You know, I can take care of myself, Ching Chong China doll!

She's Japanese-Scottish, you ignorant dumbass.

I am not crazy. I am unique.