Only Fools and Horses Season 1 quotes

Bit slippery under foot.

Good. Lovely little flecks of snow?

Bit of sleet yeah.

Cushty. Nice brisk northerly wind howling in from the Urals is there?

Cuts right through yer, Del.

Lovely. 'Cause you see today Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's foresight and GCE's, while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal underwear, we're gonna make a right killing! Do you know why we're gonna make a killing? We ain't got woolly underwear. We've got sun tan lotion! And we ain't just got a little drop of sun tan lotion... We've got 500 bloody quid's worth of the stuff!

I told you before, I bought it as an investment.

An investment!? Menage a trois! In the middle of the worst winter for two million years, with the weathermen laying odds on a new ice age, this dipstick goes out and buys up Ambre Solaire!

The weathermen are also forecasting a boiling hot summer! So come May or June, we can sell all that, or swap it for something else!

Like 50 or 60 anoraks, maybe!

You won't give me no credit, will ya?

Nor will that Paki.

Shut up Albert!

Nothing to do with me.

That £500 that you squandered on this stuff was the last of the company's capital!

Oh, and how was I supposed to know that?

(incredulous) How were you supposed to know that!? You're the firm's accountant, you wally!!!

Throw that at me now, will ya?

Oh, look at that! We've got nothing to sell and no money to buy with.

Well it can't be that bad, Del. There must be something you can knock out.

Yeah. I know what I would like to knock out! [glowers at Rodney]

What's in the van?

Nothing.

What's in the garage?

The van.

The only thing we've knocked out in the last month was that electric deep fryer I gave to the governor of the Nag's Head and I'm still waiting for a comeback on that!

[gesturing at Albert] Well, it's him, innit? I mean ever since he came to live here, we've had nothing but bad luck!

What's he on about now!?

Oh, I don't know!

Alright, what about the time he was in the Navy!? Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed or divebombed! Two of them in peacetime! Del, that man is a jinx!

Oh, leave it out, Rodney! Gordon Bennett, you'll be burning witches next!

View quote →

I've been thinking...

Leave it out, Rodney, we're in enough trouble as it is.

View quote →

(after Albert fell down the open cellar door of the Nag's Head) There's nothing wrong with him. He said so himself.

How does he know that? He might have hit his head and got percussion.

View quote →

The worstest thing of all, Your Honour, is these sudden bouts of amnesia. They have led to him having some very nasty falls.

JJudge

I fail to see the connection. How can amnesia cause one to fall?

He keeps forgetting he can't walk.

View quote →

[Everybody in the court room, including Rodney and Del, discover that Albert learned how to fall without injuring himself in order to gain compensation.]

The only hole he hasn't fallen down is the black one in Calcutta. And what was it the insurance companies nicknamed him?!

The Ferret.

The Ferret!

He's had fifteen previous lawsuits for falling down holes.

Those are the known cases, Rodney! How many times has, you know, a landlord settled out of court with a quiet backhander to save all the aggro? [Albert joins them in his wheelchair; an irate Del blows cigar smoke in his face] Come on, then! How many pubs, off-licenses and drinking clubs have you done in your time?!

Well, quite a few, Del. [Del makes a furious noise] The first cellar I fell down was genuine, honest. But because I'd learned to fall properly, I didn't hurt myself, but I still got compensation and I thought 'This is handy!' So whenever me and your grandad was hard up for a few bob, I'd go and fall down a hole. I was only trying to help, Del.

[incredulous] "Only trying to help"?! I was nearly done for contempt for court, [points to Del] his name has been sent to the Director of Public Prosecutions, and Solly and the brief look like they're gonna get defrocked! And you were only trying to help?!

I said I'm sorry, Rodney. I didn't want to do it; I mean, I'm past all that stuntman lark. But you two have been good to me these past few weeks, and I wanted to get some money to, well, repay you. [voice breaks] And I wanted to get your grandad his headstone. [Del and Rodney turn to him, surprised]

[genuinely moved] You did this for Grandad's headstone?

He was my older brother Del. When I was a kid, he used to look after me. I never did anything for him – never had the chance to – until now.

View quote →

MMMental Mickey

We like looking like this. We're Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.

Yeah!

Why do you want to be superstars then?

MMMental Mickey

Because we want to be rich Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.

View quote →

(after Rodney gets kicked out of the Bunch of Wallies) You didn't honestly believe all that rubbish, did you? That you and them wallies were destined for the Albert Hall, Carnegie Hall! The only hall you were destined for was Sod All.

View quote →

I remember what Mum said on her death bed. She said to me: "Del," she said, "please give little Rodney all the encouragement that you can. Never, Del, never hold him back."

She didn't half say a lot on her death bed, didn't she?

What?

Whatever the subject is, Mum had something to say about it on her death bed. She must have spent her final few hours in this mortal realm doing nothing but rabbiting!

You are walking a bleeding tightrope here, Rodney!!!

No, hang on! Right, you remember last week we were having a row about whose turn it was to go down the chippy, yeah? And you claimed that Mum said on her death bed: "Send Rodney for the fish!"

Yeah well, I'd had a few, hadn't I?

View quote →

Oh great man.

Oi Ringo. I hope my huffing and puffing ain't troubling you.

No sweat man.

Well it certainly ain't coming from you ya lazy little git.

View quote →

Marlene

Did you have a nice Christmas?

Oh, terrific, yeah.

Marlene

I had a dog.

Yeah? We had a turkey, same as every other year.

View quote →

Come on, Duke. Come on. Cat! Cat! Meow meow cat!

View quote →

(about Albert) I've said it before, I'll say it again: that man's a right Jonah. I reckon that when he boarded his last ship, the crew shot an albatross for luck.

View quote →

(about Duke) When he's comatose, you know, sleep is the best thing for him.

View quote →

Hello. Yeah who is it? Boycie He turns round sharply IT'S BOYCIE!

Boycie. Where is he. Has he come back early or something?