I'm a jackrabbit. I don't do slow and steady. I've paid my dues and I want some overnight success.
S5 E1Carly Sommers
Let me start off by saying I'm a huge fan. Of all the romantic comedies I've been dragged to by my girlfriends over the years, yours are the ones I hated the least. So, tell me what you don't like about yourself, Miss Summers?
CSCarly Summers
That I was stupid enough to let Fiona drag me here. Look, Doctor, I'm sure you are a genius at what you do but plastic surgery is an actor's worst nightmare. You stretch actresses' faces so they don't have to stretch themselves.
Says the woman who hasn't landed a part deeper than a shot-glass in three years.
I'm taking Carly to the Ivy.
[referring to Wilbur] Did you call a sitter?
No, but you're not doing anything. Come on, it's business.
I thought you turned down her surgery.
I did turn down her surgery and now I need to turn her on. We're not going to get anywhere in this town by giving Carly Summers a little Botox. She needs a face-lift, a tit job and whatever else I can seduce her into getting. Good plan, huh?
How about I take the Hollywood star out to dinner and you stay home with your son? I'll do the convincing.
Because I'm the charismatic salesman and you're the talent. That's the way it's always been.
That's exactly why I left Miami.
MDMistress Dark Pain
Let me tell you something, doctor. It's not easy being Robert Easton. He isn't stupid. He knows that underneath his ‘look-how-big-my-dick-is' act that he's just a scared little boy who feeds of everyone else's talent and dreams. He's nothing. I have a gift. I help keep men like Bob from imploding with too much power.
Sounds like living the dream has its price.
BEBob Easton
Of course it does. Eat your young on a regular basis, what do you expect? All day long, I'm the one with the control, the power. Once a week, Mistress Dark Pain takes it all away from me. Sometimes twice a week during Oscar season. Every bite somehow restores the balance. Keeps me real, you know?
S5 E2Joyce & Sharon Monroe
What are you? Leg man, ass man, tit man...?
Tit man, why?
(unbuttoning her shirt) Mommy issues. You should know.
You're right. I'm an asshole.
The town's full of assholes. What makes you special?
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
You have a daughter? That is fantastic. What about daddy? You pull him out of the drawer for Thanksgiving to baste the turkey?
OOlivia
She was conceived in my college dorm the good, old-fashioned way by adding two hard bodies, a quart of rum and stirring.
Very kinky. Where's papa now?
OOlivia
Where do you think? After he impregnated me, I bit off his head.
Julia called yesterday and said she's moving in with someone.
Well that's great. She's seeing someone, I'm seeing someone.
Since when you're seeing someone?!
I'm having a little fling with somebody on the show, an actress.
Well there's a bit of a difference here. You're not moving in with your current piece of ass!
Yet!
Just say it; you're thinking she wouldn't be a lesbian if she'd been married to you. That I must be such a lousy lay that my wife went from dwarf humping to carpet munching.
[Christian laughs]
It's not funny.
I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at us. I mean, it is funny. After all these years, Julia was the reason for our 'who's got the biggest dick contest'. Now we find out, she doesn't even like 'em.
S5 E3Everett Poe
Julia moved to Lesbania.
Julia is just a tourist.
S5 E4Dawn Budge II
[referring to the ass bandit] Why would someone do that?
For the thrill of getting away with it, or maybe because brown is the new black.
EEden
I know you fantasize about me while you're pumping away on little Miss Jenny Craig. Does fatty dumpster swallow? I bet she's too worried about the calories.
S5 E5Chaz Darling
Sorry, am I interrupting "Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition"?
S5 E6Damien Sands
I love all this Californian New Age crap. It is hilarious to make you think that you can stick a needle in your head, and that your whole body is going to go numb; you know it's just a lawsuit waiting to happen.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Nip/Tuck pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.