Ziva: What is this place?
Soldier: It's classified.
Tony: Classified? What have you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.
Ziva and McGee: [in unison] Unicorn!

Ziva: Where are WE going?
Tony: We're not going anywhere.
Ziva: Who are you taking, McGee?

Ziva: Where did all these people come from?
Tony: Didn't you see the signs? It's yard sale day.
Ziva: I see. And do Marines sell their yards often?
McGee: No. It's actually when people gather stuff they don't want anymore and sell them in their yards.
Ziva: Why would anybody want to buy somebody else's junk?
Tony: One man's junk is another man's treasure.
Ziva: In Israel we have a saying: "zevel, zeh zevel". [Tony and McGee look at Ziva, confused] "Crap is crap."

Ziva: Which proves what I've long suspected - despite the conservative image, Americans really love their porn.

Ziva: Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate's copy of ARES?
Tony: Pirated copy.
Ziva: That's what I said.
Tony: No, you said pirate's copy. A pirate is a person like 'Captain Jack Sparrow'. A pirated copy...
Ziva: Who is 'Jack Sparrow'?
Tony: Johnny Depp.
Ziva: He's a pirate?
Tony: No, he's an actor.
Ziva: Oh.
Tony: How did we get here?
Ziva: I drove.

Ziva: You attacked the car?
Gibbs: The car tried to kill Abby!

Ziva: You can't make an omelet without breaking some legs.
Tony: You're never making me breakfast!
Ziva: That is the truth!
Tony: It's supposed to be "eggs".
Ziva: Cook them yourself!

Ziva: You have to tell him the truth.
Tony: Maybe. Not until I'm absolutely sure lying won't work.

Ziva: You know what that means?
Tony: The director's taking over the investigation.
Ziva: Probably, but I was thinking if Gibbs doesn't remember the last 15 years, he'll be a probie.
Tony: Gibbs would never let her take over.
Ziva: Not the old Gibbs... "Probie Gibbs"?? (Tony jumps up, running after Director Shepard)

Ziva: You might want to do something about your hair... it's sticking up like a porcuswine... no, thats not the word... a porcu... pig? (Tony gives her a funny look as McGee comes in) The little animal with the little spikies!?
McGee: Porcupine?
Ziva: 'Porcupine'! Thank you, Special Agent McGee.

Ziva: You're counting your eggs before they're laid.
Tony: Operative word is 'laid'.

Ziva: You're xenophobic.
Tony: No, I'm not Xena-phobic. It's one of my favorite shows. Leather skirts, lesbian sword-fighting, female empowerment. But maybe I'm a little Ziva-phobic.

Ziva: [putting an ear wig on Lee] You've pled your case with everyone else, why not me?
Lee: I'm done trying to explain. No one understands.
Ziva: I do.
Lee: ...You would do what I did?
Ziva: [Reffering to her ear piece] That too tight?
Lee: It's fine. Thank you... I'm never going to see my daughter again, am I?
Ziva: Probabaly not.

Ziva: [mumbling in Hebrew] Unbelievable!
Tony: You finally saw The Crying Game?
Ziva: No. I got a speeding ticket!
Tony: Oh. You know what that means, McGee.
McGee: The system works.
Ziva: I was barely going over the limit!
McGee: Let me see. [takes the ticket from Ziva's outstretched hand] It says you were doing 80 in a 40.
Ziva: Not the entire time.
Tony: Did you tell them you were a federal agent?
Ziva: Excuse me?
Tony: Well, sometimes if they know they look the other way. [flahes badge] Oh, that's not my wallet!
Ziva: You do that often?
Tony: With one notable exception, I haven't gotten a speeding ticket in seventeen years.
McGee: Or paid for parking at football games.
Tony: It's a gray area. Sometimes I even get my donuts and coffee for free.
Ziva: I do not think Gibbs would approve.
Tony: What Gibbs doesn't know won't hurt him.
Gibbs: What don't I know, DiNozzo?
Tony: Um, Ziva got a speeding ticket! [looks uncomfortable after receiving a disapproving look from Ziva] And I sometimes get coffee for free. But I tip big! All right, let's have it. [receives a smack]
Gibbs: Let's go. Dead Navy captain.
Ziva: Do you ever get the feeling that he enjoys being smacked in the head?
McGee: I'd rather not think about it.

Ziva: [on the phone outside the safehouse] Tony, we have been compromised.
Tony: What are you talking about, Ziva? Is this a drill??
Perry: Did she get my medicine?!
Ziva: I'm going around the back.
Tony: Come here. Let's go. What are you doing?! Let's go! [sees Ziva walk in the door] Should we go?
Ziva: We are more vulnerable in transit. Take cover.
Perry: What is she going to do?
Tony: You know, I don't really know. Bathroom, now.
Ziva: [calls Gibbs on speakerphone and places phone on the table, then draws two pistols]
Gibbs: Yeah? Gibbs.
Ziva: We have a situation at the safehouse.
Gibbs: Well, yeah, Ziva. What is it?
Ziva: Just a second. [both men break in a door each, only to be shot dead]
Gibbs: Ziva? Ziva! Ziva, talk to me!
Ziva: Under control. [hangs up]
Gibbs: [smiles and hangs up]