Tony: Listen, we have to kind of cool it around the office from now on. You know what I mean?
EJ: You mean around Gibbs. He intimidates you.
Tony: Let's just say he presents a challenge. He sees what he shouldn't see. Hears what he shouldn't hear. He's like Alec Baldwin in The Shadow, and the shadow always knows.
EJ: You're scared of him.
Tony: [nods] Yep!
EJ: I'm not.
Tony: You should be.

Tony: Little miss tighty pants here blows it out of proportion.

Tony: Long distance can be hard. Telefriend from Tel Aviv?
Ziva: You're jealous.
Tony: I'm not jealous.
Ziva: Yes, you are.
Tony: No, I'm not. I'm not arguing, boss.
McGee: Argue!
Tony: Am not!

Tony: McGee said you wanted to see me. Actually, he said I was under house arrest, but I figured that was just your way of making a point.
Gibbs: Do I have to tell you the name of the creek you're up without a paddle? Or how deep it is?
Tony: Up to my knees?
Gibbs: I see you're familiar with this particular creek.
Tony: I'm sorry I took a long lunch, Boss, but I'm not working a hot case.
Gibbs: What's a hot case to you, DiNozzo? Shadowing a tight ass?
Tony: That's not fair, Boss.
Gibbs: War is not fair! And we are at war. Until I dismiss you, which could be any moment now, you will fight that war 24/7. That includes eating, sleeping, taking a crap. Got that?
Tony: Yes, Boss. Can I say something?
Gibbs: Only if it has something to do with that bastard I'm after!
Tony: It does.
Gibbs: Then speak!
Tony: Boss... You've really gotta see Moby Dick.

Tony: McGee would know. Head shots are his specialty.
Ducky: What?
Palmer: He's referring to a videogame he's been playing way too much.
Ducky: Ah.
Tony: What's this surprising bit of editorializing coming from the once and future king of dorkland?
Palmer: Hey, I now have a girlfriend.
Tony: The king is dead. [gripping McGee's shoulder] Long live the king.

Tony: Melinda. [looks into his little black book, then prevents Ziva from taking it]
Ziva: How many Melinda's do you have in that thing?
Tony: It could be the girl I talk to at the gym.
Ziva: You don't go to the gym.
Tony: Well maybe it was the girl I talked to at the dog park.
McGee: You don't have a dog.
Tony: Oh, it could have been that girl I met at the concession stand while my date was in the bathroom.
Ziva: You need a secretary.
McGee: Or a therapist.
Gibbs: Or both.

Tony: Morse code is a dying art.
Ziva: It was for him.

Tony: No, I saw what happened! You and I were having a conversation, we're trying to work something out.
Ziva: Yeah! It is a violation. There is an expectation of privacy in our own office.
Tony: And she's just chatting away, right over the hedge.
Ziva: It is over the edge!!
Tony: Actually, it's over the top, but it's pushing you over the edge.
Ziva: Huh?
Tony: And you know what I think? [walks into the lab to hear McGee and Abby speaking] What are you guys talking about?
Abby: Um, tanning hides. You?
Ziva: The same.
Tony: Easy.

Tony: Nora was right. I found my favorite picture, and it's the only one with someone in it.
Ziva: [looks down at the picture and smiles, almost blushing]
Tony: Very french new wave, don't you think?
Ziva: Maybe. I think it would look better in black and white.

Tony: Okay, I got used to being in charge!
Ziva: You better get unused to being in charge before Gibbs decides to shoot you.

Tony: Okay, this guy isn't smart enough to cover his tracks.
McGee: He's doing pretty well so far.
Tony: He does online auctions from his laptop. Super collectibles.
Ziva: Ultra collectibles and auctions dot com. Can we trace him?
McGee: If we can pinpoint some of his items. Do you know what he sells?
Tony: Star Wars stuff.
McGee: That narrows it down to like 50 million people.
Tony: Uh, some kind of figurine. There's only three of them?
McGee: Yoda? C3PO? Storm trooper?
Ziva: Wookiee. It is a special edition prototype from 1978. It comes equipped with an ammo belt. There are only three in existence.
McGee: A Star Wars junkie, huh?
Ziva: Not especially.
Tony: She has a photographic memory, probie, not a social disorder.

Tony: Please, who really likes weddings anyway?
Ziva: There's nothing good about them.
Tony: Weird uncles making inappropriate toasts.
Ziva: Rubbery chicken enhanced by cheap wine.
Tony: Cheesy music and children. Rental tuxedos.
Ziva: The bouquet, the garter, the cake --
Tony: The fittings.
Ziva: The fittings. The fittings! We're not even to the actual ceremony yet.
Tony: The vows.
Ziva: The ring.
Tony: The kiss.
Ziva: The ketubah.
Tony: I don't even know what I'd do if I had to deal with all of that.
Ziva: Elope?
Gibbs: Yeah, well, it worked for me.

Tony: Popeye Carmano? NCIS. Are we all listening to the same song? Let me guess. Ricky Martin fans, Livin' La Vida Loca.
Carmano: You gotta leave, man.
Tony: But we just got here!
Carmano: Yeah, but it's a very dangerous neighborhood.
Tony: That's why I brought her.
Carmano: La bonita es un Federale.
Rico: Federales es un buena.
Tony: La bonita will kick your ass.

Tony: Salads are not stakeout food.
Ziva: Well, they should be. [motioning at his sandwich] At least they don't stink up the car.
Tony: [offers an onion ring] Want one?
Ziva: No!
Tony: Your loss.
Ziva: Did Gibbs say anything to you about Agent Barrett? You know, dating?
Tony: No.
Ziva: [sighs] Are you sure he knows?
Tony: He's Gibbs. He knows everything. He did read her the riot act, though.
Ziva: Well, that's not good, Tony. I mean, you should talk to Gibbs. You and him go way back! I mean, it's like the big rhinoceros in the room that no one wants to talk about.
Tony: Elephant.
Ziva: Huh?
Tony: It's an elephant in the room. It's not a hippopotamus, it's not a rhinoceros. It's an elephant.

Tony: So something interested here here, huh?
Gibbs: There's a couple of options, but I like this desk. Old growth wood. Craftsman made.
Ziva: [gasps] It belonged to William Faulkner! I love his writing!
Tony: Total genius.
Ziva: Yes! It was worth learning English just for The Sound and the Fury, or that chapter in As I Lay Dying. You know, the one with the five words where Vardaman says "My mother is a fish!"
Tony: I don't really like his books much, but I'm a big fan of the movies he made based on other people's books. Like The Big Sleep and To Have and Have Not. I mean, he gave us Bogey and Bacall. God bless you, William Faulkner.