Sebastian Lund quotes from NCIS: New Orleans

Sebastian

[to Neela] You can't stop chaos. But a friend of mine told me you need to find some order.

Pride

Why they pay you the big bucks.

Sebastian

Well not exactly Daddy Warbucks. Then again, better than a barista at Starbucks.

Pride

Just take the compliment, kid.

Wade

Sebastian's a connoisseur of conspiracy theories.

Sebastian

Well they're not conspiracies, okay? They're discernments. Just wait until I show you how the fake moon landing fits in with why we haven't found Bigfoot yet.

Pride

Bad timing?

Sebastian

Oh, not at all. I was just trying an experiment in weight distribution. Someone once said to me "always expect the unexpected". Unfortunately it was my urologist and that is not someone you want to hear that from.

LaSalle

You never played mailbox baseball?

Sebastian

I grew up in the city. The only mailbox was in the lobby of our building. That would have been awkward.

Sebastian

Afternoon... friends.

Patton

Mr. Lund.

Sebastian

Mr. Plame.

Patton

How's my favorite conspiracy theorist doing?

Sebastian

I prefer the term creative realist.

Sebastian

Her Instagram was just deactivated.

Patton

Same with the Twitter account.

Sebastian

She just deleted all her remaining online accounts.

Patton

Well, that's all right. I'll find her. Nobody gets away from Double P, baby.

Sebastian

Double P?

Patton

Yeah, that's my nickname.

Sebastian

Nobody calls you that.

Patton

I do

Sebastian

You can't give yourself a nickname!

Patton

Why not?

Sebastian

You just you can't. It's a known rule. You're breaking a known rule.

Patton

Wait a minute. You're supposed to be helping me-- why is there a ape on your screen?

Sebastian

A, it's not an ape, it's a yeti, all right? And B, I am helping you-- I just also happen to be having a conversation with my girlfriend about the Ape Canyon conspiracy.

Patton

Well, A, I would very much like to lay eyes on said girlfriend; and B, this is the way the conversation should go. Is there a such thing as a yeti? No.

Sebastian

Well, we have a different point of view.

Patton

No, you don't have a different point of view. You're just wrong. There's a huge difference. (computer beeping) Oh, wait a minute. I knew she'd make a mistake. Yeah, she's back online.

Sebastian

Well, track her IP address.

Patton

That's what I'm doing, Captain Obvious. All right, stay on there, baby. Just a little longer. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Right on, right on. Keep on going. Yes! Got a IP address. She's on her cell phone, just by Chartres and Dumaine.

Sebastian

Okay, I'll call Pride.

Patton

Call Pride.

Sebastian

I just said I'm gonna call Pride.

Patton

I cracked the encryption on Drayer's computer. Chalk up another V for double P. Boy, this Drayer was good. This guy designed a cryptographic attack so that the output of the infected cryptosystem could be computationally indistinguishable from the output of the corresponding uninfected cryptosystem, then used an asymmetric encryption to implement a cryptographic back door.

Pride

What do you mean by that?

Patton

Which part?

Pride

All of it.

Sebastian

The only thing you gotta understand is back door.

Patton

Which is what I said.

Sebastian

Yeah, except I'm saying it in English.

Sebastian

[Referring to his girlfriend] What do you think?

Pride

[Smiles and puts his hand on Lund's shoulder] Terrified?

Sebastian

Oh, big time.

Pride

Then you're doin' good.

How much is one of those pesos worth today?

Sebastian

Five hundred a pop. Then the government turned the area into a marine research preserve before anyone could find out how many were really down there. Makes you wonder what else they're keeping from us.

We should call Mulder and Scully.

Sebastian

Best villain. Toomes or Pusher?

Toomes.

Sebastian

Best episode. Squeeze or Drive?

Squeeze.

Sebastian

Who are you?

Pride

Okay. So. Anna steals the pesos, killed her friends and escaped on the dinghy. Or, she got in the way of someone who did.

The truth is out there, Pride.

We just haven't found it yet.

Sebastian

So, even though we've identified the vehicle, I kept trying to reconstruct that headlight. But, of course, I got nowhere cuz it's like trying to put together one of those crazy thousand piece puzzles where the whole image is just one color. I mean, give me a point of reference on those, you know, like a fire hobgoblin, or a... basilisk. Something to- [At Pride's hard look] A basilisk is a reptilian monster that petrifies with a single gaze.

Pride

A gaze like this?

Sebastian

Yeah, you... you got it down.

Pride

When we get back you can tell me what the Hell a fire hobgoblin is.

Sebastian

Most dangerous of all the hobgoblins. Thought it was obvious.

Sebastian

And yet someone got to go to the crime scene today.

Danny

Jealousy ain't a good look, bro.

Sebastian

Me? Jealous? Why would I be jealous? After working here for, like, five years and only getting to go to the crime scene from time to time.

Wade

Danny merely drove me.

Sebastian

I have a license. I can drive.

Danny

Says the dude who's afraid to make left turns.

Sebastian

[At the scene of the jet crash in full body protective coveralls] Because Lt. Garrett and Franco both presented damaged lung tissue, I knew that the mercury poisoning had to be the result of inhalation. But, my test of the oxygen system aboard the Skystormer came up empty handed.

You know he doesn't need to be wearing that suit, right?

Sebastian

If there's a chance for me to dress up like Doc Brown from Back to the Future, I'm just... I'm gonna take it.

Sebastian

Well, then I guess it's a good thing Chris and Merri are on the case. Not you Chris and Merri, the other Chris and Merri.

Brody

Really?

Sebastian

named the bees. So, most of the specimens came back DOA, but two of them were just stunned. So I nursed 'em back to health and when they're no longer evidence, I'm considering becoming an urban apiarist. Chris and Merri, meet Chris and Merri.

Brody

Hmmm. Which is which?

Sebastian

Well, Chris is the one with the funny accent.