Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[Jan is talking after Cortner has saved her head.]
Crow: Doesn't she need lungs?
Servo: No, she's got neck juice!
Crow: Doesn't she need lungs?
Servo: No, she's got neck juice!
[Jeff tries to rewrite his song.]
Mike [as Jeff]: What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that.
Servo: One of 32 short films about... this guy.
Crow [as Jeff]: Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"?
Mike [as Jeff]: Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music!
[A dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.]
Servo: Mickey Rourke came over to help.
Mary: No inspiration, darling?
Jeff: I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today.
Crow [as Mary]: Why would you wanna write him?
Mike [as Jeff]: What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that.
Servo: One of 32 short films about... this guy.
Crow [as Jeff]: Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"?
Mike [as Jeff]: Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music!
[A dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.]
Servo: Mickey Rourke came over to help.
Mary: No inspiration, darling?
Jeff: I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today.
Crow [as Mary]: Why would you wanna write him?
[Jenni goes to Marian's room, grabs a skull she found in the chifforobe, and flings it out the window.]
Servo: Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well!
Servo: Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well!
[Jenni pours her heart out to Reverend Snow, who looks grim.]
Mike [as Rev. Snow]: Have you tried talking to your minister about this?
Mike [as Rev. Snow]: Have you tried talking to your minister about this?
[Jenni, back in the house, is shrieking uncontrollably.]
Crow: Oh, great! She's playing her Yoko Ono albums.
Mike: I think the title was supposed to be "Screaming, semicolon, Skull".
Crow: Oh, great! She's playing her Yoko Ono albums.
Mike: I think the title was supposed to be "Screaming, semicolon, Skull".
[Jerry and Harold discuss Jerry's girlfriend's mother]
Jerry: Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me.
Harold: Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know?
Jerry: [shocked] Job?
Servo [as Jerry]: I'm a respected neurosurgeon!
Jerry: Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me.
Harold: Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know?
Jerry: [shocked] Job?
Servo [as Jerry]: I'm a respected neurosurgeon!
[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]
Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.
Servo: A trade rat?
Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.
Servo [as Jessica]: ��in Maine.
Mike: You know, the country needs skilled trade rats.
Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.
Servo: A trade rat?
Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.
Servo [as Jessica]: ��in Maine.
Mike: You know, the country needs skilled trade rats.
[Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]
Crow [as Megalon/General Zod]: You will bow down before me, Jet Jaguar!
Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]: Do you expect me to talk?
Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]: No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to die!
Servo: Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there.
Crow [as Megalon/General Zod]: You will bow down before me, Jet Jaguar!
Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]: Do you expect me to talk?
Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]: No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to die!
Servo: Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there.
[Jim and Ray are on a ferry on Lake Maracaibo.]
Jim: Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long.
Servo [as Jim]: I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow.
Crow [as Jim]: I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on all inland bodies of water.
. . .
[Soon, Jim and Ray are back on the road.]
Mike [as Jim]: I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry.
Jim: Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long.
Servo [as Jim]: I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow.
Crow [as Jim]: I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on all inland bodies of water.
. . .
[Soon, Jim and Ray are back on the road.]
Mike [as Jim]: I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry.
[Jim is being shown around a prospective house. The wife gives him the tour.]
Crow [as Wife]: I know I shouldn't complain, but he's never home. He's got another wife and it's called "petroleum!"
Crow [as Wife]: I know I shouldn't complain, but he's never home. He's got another wife and it's called "petroleum!"
[Jim is shown around his future Quonset-hut home by the present husband and wife occupants.]
Servo [as Wife]: [in white-trash accent] The water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out of it if I were you.
Servo [as Wife]: [in white-trash accent] The water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out of it if I were you.
[Jimmy performs the ballad "It's Time To Cry" for the girls at Girls Town.]
Servo: The music that rocked America�� gently to sleep.
Servo: The music that rocked America�� gently to sleep.
[Jinkawa and Rokuro prepare to assault the laboratory (with a model airplane)]
Crow: Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?
Joel: Um, no.
Servo: Not this kid.
. . .
Servo [as Jinkawa]: [Sarcastically] Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat!
Crow: Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?
Joel: Um, no.
Servo: Not this kid.
. . .
Servo [as Jinkawa]: [Sarcastically] Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat!
[Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.]
Melissa: This is where the fish lives.
[Mike and the Bots snicker loudly]
Jody: Why did you run?
Servo [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives.
Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran.
[A pause.]
Mike [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]
Crow [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives.
Melissa: This is where the fish lives.
[Mike and the Bots snicker loudly]
Jody: Why did you run?
Servo [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives.
Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran.
[A pause.]
Mike [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]
Crow [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives.
[Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.]
Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even.
Crow [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head.
. . .
Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here.
. . .
Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around.
[Jody drives off.]
Servo [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy.
Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even.
Crow [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head.
. . .
Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here.
. . .
Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around.
[Jody drives off.]
Servo [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy.