[Joe Don Baker is wearing a cowboy outfit]
Mike: Meat Loaf, Texas Ranger.

[Joe running towards the Jeep]
Crow: Into the Weenie Mobile! WEENIE MAN AWAY!

[Joe's buddy admires a piece of Joe's handywork.]
Joe's buddy: Wow, you made this?
Mike [as Joe]: I'm making it for the Grand Wizard.
Joe's buddy: Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store.
Joe: It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it.
Joe's buddy: Kinda slow, huh?
Joe: Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time.
Crow [as Joe]: Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap.

[Joe, in his energy-less delivery, says goodbye to the widowed Beth.]
Crow: A stranger comes to town, touches nobody's life, and leaves.
. . .
Mike [as Beth]: Now I can do what I really want to! Which is, uh... I'm not sure. Heh. What color is my parachute?

[Joel and the Bots are discussing how games would be altered to suit outer space.]
Crow: Kaboom! would become Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion!

[Joel and the Bots are on the bridge of the SOL.]
Crow, Servo: [singing]

[Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.]
Servo: [excited] Hey it's in color!
Joel: Yeah.
Servo: Really bad music already, this is great.
. . .
Servo: Is this a Pink Panther movie?
Joel: No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like.
Servo: Why would they use cartoons?
Joel: Uh, so astronauts could understand them.
Servo: [dubiously] Ah.

[Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.]
Crow: The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having no spoken language and no particular powers with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs.
. . .
Joel: Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King.
. . .
Crow: If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply draped casually over his shoulders and should be no trouble to knock off! [...] Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his Jack Purcell athletic shoes! Folks, they just did not care!
...
Dr. Forrester: They did too care! In fact, we've got director Larry Buchanan here with us, don't we, Frank?
TV's Frank: Yeah, Larry, come here. Larry, tell them. Tell these people. Tell them how you took your dream -- your vision! -- and through blood, sweat, and effort, you owned that dream and turned it into a reality through years -- well, days -- of hard work, determination, and struggle! You took that cherished dream that you had, and you... (trails off looking at "Larry's" dull, lifeless expression.) You don't really care, do you?
"Larry Buchanan": (Smirks, makes gesture of approval towards Frank.)

[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]
Servo: It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it?
Crow: Hip? Not. Ick!
The Slime People (movie)

[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]
Crow: I wanna decide who lives and who dies!

[Joel is pinning a new suit together using Crow as a mannequin. Servo's head has been replaced with a pincushion. Joel accidentally pricks Crow.]
Crow: Ow!
Joel: Oh, I'm sorry, pal. I'm just so distracted. I can't stop thinking about that sweet service station in today's film. Did you guys notice how sleek and beautiful it was?
Servo: [patronizingly] Um, no, Joel, I can't say that I did, heh-heh [aside to Crow] Koo-koo! Koo-koo!
Joel: I'm serious, you guys! There was a time that we as a nation took pride in our service stations! They gleamed like a beacon of hope from coast to coast. Then one day: kablooey! Sky Chief super service turned into the Tank 'n' Tummy. I don't mind tellin' ya, the day this country went self-serve is the day that Hell started to bubble over and flood the earth.
Crow: I hate to burst your bubble, Joel, but what about the bubonic plague? World Wars? Stalin?
Joel: Well, those are all big things. Hell works best when it's a lot subtler. Let me give you an example: Okay, what do you think of Adolf Hitler?
Crow: Well, I hate him, naturally.
Joel: Okay, now what do you think of the band Styx?
Crow: Well, they had a couple of decent... [realization sets in] Oh, my God, you're right!
Servo: I get it now, Joel! You know, I don't know exactly when Hell started for me, but I think it had something to do with Christopher Cross.
Joel: Yeah, and remember the time Charlie Weaver died, and it wasn't even in the papers?
Crow: Or when they 86'd Jarts!
Servo: I think the first time Flo said "Kiss my grits!", something in all of us withered and died!
Crow: Using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe slice of Hell.
Joel: Yeah, I agree with that. And how about the time Denis Leary released No Cure For Cancer as an album, or when Vicki Lawrence won a Grammy for "The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia"?
Servo: I know I stand alone on this, but the day Blansky's Beauties got cancelled.
Crow: Yeah, you pretty much stand alone on that. Sinbad's pretty icky.
Joel: Yeah, and how about the Charlene Tilton workout video?
Servo: Joel! How can we possibly survive in a world that keeps giving us constant images of Hell?
Joel: Well, there's personal liberty, strength of convictions; those have been known to work. And there are the times when we rise as one to beat back Hell. Like the time when we as a nation said "No!" to Yahoo Serious.
Crow: I remember that. There we were, inexplicably drawn to the slobbering mouth of Hell. Then, at the last moment, saved just like Moses and the Israelites.
Servo: Now who in Creation is powerful enough to do that?!
Crow [as Goliath]: Gee, Davey, do ya think it was God?

[Joel mentions KISS]
Crow: [sighs] Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were NEVER cool!

[Joel realizes how depressing the movie was and is trying to cheer up the 'bots when Servo begins to cry.]
Joel: Hey, w-what's wrong?
Servo: Joel, it's this movie. It was really depressing! It was like being a little kid and eating dinner at your Aunt Ruth's apartment in the summer, and it's hot in there and she's got a local christian radio station on, and there's nothing to do or look at 'cause all she's got in the apartment are Good Housekeeping magazines and linen doilies!
Crow: Yeah! And then they send you out to play with the strange neighbor kids and they're all big and their skin is pink and they have big pores and a big eighth grader makes you look at really upsetting pictures, so you go back inside and you sit down and they're all just talking with these big pauses in their conversations and you can hear the clock ticking on the wall!
Servo: Yeah! Yeah, and so you dig into your seat cushion and you find a really old peanut, and you're so bored you eat it! And then you just feel bad and a little sick, and then you think you're about to go! But-but then Aunt Ruth takes out a photo album filled with black-and-white photos of kids with squinty eyes and they're supposed to be your uncles and aunts or something, and then your parents force you to look at them!
[Servo and Crow both begin bawling.]

[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]
Joel: We are going to get a nice picture of this family if it kills us.
Here Comes the Circus (short)

[Joel's Invention Exchange is a machine that merges comic strips.]
Joel, Servo, Crow: Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny!
Hired! Part 2 (short)