Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes

Julie Walker: Texas Ranger.

Servo

Eastman: He came out of the east to do battle with the Amazing Rando!

Mike

All rights are reserved, Callahan!

Oh yeah? Well, what about the rights of that little girl?

Mike

Oh great, E.T. calls, we come, and he's not here.

Mike

...So we're watching someone waiting for someone.

Servo

There's a point where it stops being a movie!

Gee, Billy...if only you were more ordinary.

Mike

More ordinary? Man, he'd have to work at that.

Woo hoo! We're going on a trip! Hey, where are we going?

Servo

Chickens are shipped to the set of Oklahoma!

I think the fella in white really likes us, Susan. [clucks]

Mike

I'd like to be the Chicken of Tomorrow, but how can I be more of the Man of Today?

After the chicks are two or three weeks old, they can be allowed out of doors if the weather's good.

And if they've completed their lessons.

When you've got as many birds to look after as this hatchery, you're pretty receptive to labor-saving devices. And this carrier system is one of the best. It runs the length of the building, and is used to carry feed to the different pens. It can be used also for gathering up manure. Saves a lot of back-breaking work.

Hey, pal, feed me, then clean up my poops!

[observing the number 23 painted above the Creeper's hideout] Hey, it's KTMA!

[catching Jimmy listening to the radio] Jimmy!

Good morning, Mr. Haskins.

Leave that radio alone. Sweep up the place. You're getting paid to work, not entertain yourself!

Okay... Hey, that Creeper guy murdered somebody again last night.

Oh, murders, detectives, gangsters... that's all you think about! Get the broom.

I think about sex, too!

"Eat me, you hateful old fossil. Signed, Jimmy-" HEY!

[holding the grocery list] Where'd this come from?

Somebody stuck it under the door.

[annoyed] Uhh...

I hate customers!

Don't you think it's kinda funny? Sticking a note under the door?

No!

Go to hell!

And don't go trying to make a mystery out of it!

Piss off! [Mike is starting to laugh out of character]

Somebody's probably too busy to pick up the stuff.

Could be the Creeper.

[packing a grocery bag in agitation] Creeper, Creeper, Creeper! You give ME the creeps!

Servo

Zinga!

Well he could be! That'd be a swell reason why he wouldn't want to see anybody, or come out, except at night.

You just gotta deliver these groceries. And don't forget the money. A dollar and a quarter.

Why'd you hire me if you hate me so...?

Okay... but I still think it might be-

I know! So he's the Creeper. Now you just creep along with that- [stomps his foot down; Mike is starting to laugh uncontrollably] I MEAN HURRY UP WITH THAT STUFF!!! And then get back here and do the rest of your work!

Dear GOD, I HATE YOU!!! I hope you DIE!!!

[from behind a door] How much?

A dollar and a quarter.

Here's a toenail.

"God is Dead"? GOOD!

They should get kids going on these things!

[inhales] Aw man, I should have bought at least eight more cartons!

[inhales] Man, I just love these things!

[inhales] Ah, I love cigs. I gotta get a carton of these for my pregnant wife.

What I love, really, is that they're so good for you. [inhales]

Good evening, Mr Scott.

Hello. I'm sorry you have to stay out here.

That's alright, sir, it's my job. Goodnight.

By the way, you mind if I smoke out here?

[trying to get into the house] Mr. Scott?! Mr. Scott?!

Do you have a cigarette?!