JJay
You have 10 whole teeth in your mouth.
That's more than Grandma, right?
These hands were made for love.
I know one of them is.
For once, I'm not the dumbest one in the room.
TTony
Yes, you are.
You just proved me right. Because it's, "Yes, you is."
Why don't you quit while you're behind, son?
He who runs away, lives to fight another day.
Yeah. And then he runs to join the Village People.
Junior (about accidentally knocking Michael out while being taught how to box): I feel like Sugar Ray.
JJay
Which one?
The band.
Claire (after telling Junior, who got into a fight with Tony and got beat up after he assumed that Claire and Tony were having sex, when really they were playing miniature golf): What did you think we did?
It.
It?
JJay
It?
It?
That's disgusting!
JJay
That's disgusting!
That's just plain damn nasty.
Jay (to Claire, who broke up with Tony after seeing him with another woman, who was actually his cousin): Baby, you've got to communicate with Tony. That is the secret to any good relationship. How do you think your father and I have held in there for so long?
Unplanned pregnancies?
(Jay stamps on Michael's foot) Ow!
You said you wanted me to give the male point of view, I'm giving you the male point of view!
JJay
Go point your view back at the television.
Michael (to Claire, who is eating junk food to comfort her after her breakup with Tony): Claire, you gotta watch your sugar intake. You're already genetically predisposed to being a little thick. (looks at Jay)
JJay
That wasn't even necessary!
Baby, I was just being honest.
JJay (referring to Michael's head)
Do I run around the house telling Junior that he's genetically predisposed of looking like a brown egg?
Mom always burns the bottom of her cookies, and I like that.
JJay
Thanks...I think.
(to restaurant warker) You're Japanese, too?
MMan
Until midnight.
HHippie
(to Michael) I'm going to call you 'Dark Cloud'. Aah!
And I'm going to call you 'a cab'! Aah!
[to Kady, after she unknowingly applied skunk odor to herself] Don't worry, my little stinkweed. I still love you.
JJay
It's Junior's first big-boy drawers!
I remember the big doo-doos he left in those drawers.
JJay
Junior's SAT scores just came in.
Oh boy, let me get the whiskey.
JJay
Claire, you're 16 now, what do you see yourself doing in the next few years?
Shopping.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's My Wife and Kids pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.