My Wife and Kids quotes

Tiara, he [Junior] put those mirrors on his shoes so he could look up at your panties.

Well, joke's on him, because I'm not wearing any.

Have you ever heard of sushi?

Have you ever heard of salmonella?

No, but if she knows how to cook, invite her over?

Kady

I made you some chicken noodle soup.

Did you get this [water in the soup] out of the toilet like the last time?

Kady

No, silly!

Kady

...the fish tank!

Mmm, mmm, guppy!

No asking your grandfather for money.

I can't stop him. He folds it up in his hand and shoves it in my pocket. What can I do?

Be naked. I bet he won't shove it in that pocket.

Junior's. I don't have pants with more than 38 pockets.

What does that look like to you?

I'll say it's chocolate-covered raisins.

No, it looks like mouse droppings.

There's only one way to find out. Junior, come taste one of these.

I thought you were going shopping for towels.

I did.

When did Sony start making towels?

Franklin

First, we need to clean it (referring to a raw chicken).

Claire

OK, I'll put it in the dishwasher. Life cycle, right?

Franklin

Today, we're going to cook minute rice.

Claire

Really? How long will that take?

I've got ye olde egg salad.

That's why ye olde lifespan was only 36 years, because ye olde bowels couldn't digest ye olde food.

Put him [a customer] down!

I'm trying, but I don't know where to put him down! Why did they put in a 'pick-up' sign when they didn't put in a 'put-down' sign?

It's a good thing you didn't see the 'loading in rear' sign.

Claire

How would you feel if your parents went on a double date with you and Mom?

Like a virgin.

You seem to be forgetting what we did in a movie theater. Remember the hot dog trick?

Go check on the kids.

I found a gray hair.

Where? In your goatee?

Lower.

Your chest?

Warmer.

You're nuts!

Exactly. The right one.