Jay (to Michael): Are these [pants] yours or Junior's?
MMichael
Junior's. I don't have pants with more than 38 pockets.
Michael
My Wife and Kids · 66 quotes
Most-quoted character in My Wife and Kids: in 35 of its 66 quotes
Most scenes with: Jay (13), Junior (9), Claire (2)
Lines by Michael 9
MMichael
Junior, I'll give you $50 if you fart right now.
"How am I supposed to believe that my pie got up and ate itself?"
"This [pie] is all you're going to eat until I find out who did it [ate his pie]."
"Did you see the way those women looked at me? I felt like a hamburger in Somalia."
"Boy, you've got your butt in my ear!"
"Kissing can lead to touching, and touching can lead to grandchildren."
(to a man at the gas station) "Hey, Shrek! You think you can move any time this century?!"
"'Summer Breeze'? That sounds like a feminine hygiene commercial."
Scenes with Michael 26
JJunior (who's about to eat raw chicken)
Have you ever heard of sushi?
MMichael
Have you ever heard of salmonella?
No, but if she knows how to cook, invite her over?
I made you some chicken noodle soup.
MMichael
Did you get this [water in the soup] out of the toilet like the last time?
No, silly!
(Michael starts to eat the soup)
...the fish tank!
(Michael then spits out the soup)
MMichael
Mmm, mmm, guppy!
MMichael
No asking your grandfather for money.
I can't stop him. He folds it up in his hand and shoves it in my pocket. What can I do?
MMichael
Be naked. I bet he won't shove it in that pocket.
JJay
What does that look like to you?
MMichael
I'll say it's chocolate-covered raisins.
JJay
No, it looks like mouse droppings.
MMichael
There's only one way to find out. Junior, come taste one of these.
MMichael
I thought you were going shopping for towels.
JJay
I did.
MMichael
When did Sony start making towels?
JJay
I've got ye olde egg salad.
MMichael
That's why ye olde lifespan was only 36 years, because ye olde bowels couldn't digest ye olde food.
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