Susan Harper quotes from My Family

Susan

You don't understand. I don't want to!

Ah, but your eyes say "Yes".

Susan

Yours will be saying "Ow" in a minute.

Susan

Your line sounds dated.

Well, it is set two thousand years ago!

Susan

So is Jesus Christ Superstar, but it didn't stop Lloyd Webber from adding guitars!

For the fifth time, you're not going to sing!

Susan

I'm going to confront him with this and give him a piece of my mind!

Ben

I think you've lost enough of it already...which means: let me talk to him.

Susan

You?!

Ben

Yeah. Let's at least let him grow some goolies before you lop 'em off.

Susan

There are many notable lesbians in history. Catherine the Great.

Ben

Name says it all.

Susan

k.d. lang.

Ben

Wonderful voice. Sharon Simpson.

Susan

Who's she?

Ben

One of my patients. Lovely teeth.

Janey

I'm not gay.

Ben

Well that about takes the biscuit doesn't it? How dare you not be gay. Good God! You put us through anxiety, anger, confusion, doubt, anger...

Susan

You said anger.

Ben

I was angry twice. Until we finally reach tolerance and acceptance, and you tell us you're not gay. My own daughter! I feel betrayed!

Susan

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.

Ben

Yes there is. Nick!

Susan

How do you know?

Ben

It's a fact of life that my property plus broken always equals, NICK!

Susan

Why are you always convinced that Christmas is going to be a disaster?

Ben

Because it always is. It's traditional.

Susan

No it isn't.

Ben

There you go, always looking to the negative. You know I'm right; look at last year.

Susan

We all had a lovely time.

Ben

Oh yeah, you did. I got beaten up by carol singers...

Susan

Ah, yes...lovely voices.

Ben

The year before that there was the turkey.

Susan

OK, so it needed to stay in for a bit longer.

Ben

Susan, it was still alive. I'm trying to forget the year of the puppy.

Susan

Oh, the puppy...yes, that was sad, wasn't it? But those aren't reasons to hate Christmas.

Ben

Alright, try these: you have to jolly up to people you normally wouldn't bother to rescue from drowning; you get drunken men in suits vomiting in your flowerbeds; you're effectively trapped in the house with the central heating on full blast; and then someone throws a log on the fire because they think it's festive!

Susan Harper

Don't be defeatist!

Ben Harper

I'm not defeatist; I'm defeated.

Ben

What's that?

Susan

Chocolate Raisin Turkey with Caramel.

Ben

Excuse me?

Susan

It's Moroccan.

Ben

(looks at her cookbook) Ah, I see. Several pages of your cookbook are stuck together. Yeah, you've moved from Poultry to Dessert.

Susan

That's how great discoveries are made. Luddite.

Ben

Ignorance is bliss.

Susan

Then you must be the happiest man in the world.

Ben

(under his breath) I was until I married you.

Susan

I heard that!

Susan

What happened?

Ben

I'd just rather not talk about it right now.

Susan

Okay. Good night.

Ben

Susan, I very nearly had sexual intercourse with your mother.

Susan

What?

Ben

I didn't know she was there. I thought it was you.

Susan

Oh... Ben, that's... that's... that's terrible! (begins laughing) And funny at the same time.

Ben

It is not funny!

Susan

Oh, come on, it's a little bit funny.

Ben

Susan, I– we very nearly became a Greek tragedy!

Susan

Look, look, I don't want her here any more than you do, but she's in great pain and can't move.

Ben

Are you sure she's not faking it?

Susan

I don't know, you tell me. (begins laughing again)

Abi

Your mother's gone blind because she's seen the unseeable: your messy room! (whispers) She didn't see the girl you had up there, though.

Susan

Yes I did, but, you know, I'm cool with that.

Susan

And for you, something really special!

A Biro with half an inch of ink in it?

Susan

People will kill for one of those in Morocco.

We're not in Morocco!

Susan

More's the pity!

Ben

(of Kenzo) Susan, the baby will wake up when he's good and ready.

Susan

That is so old-fashioned! Haven't you read any of the latest baby care books?

Ben

Have you?

Susan

I don't need to; I've raised three children... and you.

Susan

(speaking on telephone) Oh, hello. Yes, mi nombre es Senora Susan Harper. ¿cómo está usted?

Ben

Susan, hello? You're phoning London.

Susan

I know, but, you know, "when in Rome".

Ben

We're not in Rome, we're in hell!