Ben Harper quotes from My Family

Susan

(under her breath) You're late.

Ben

(under his breath) How do you know? You've not met me yet.

Susan

I'm going to confront him with this and give him a piece of my mind!

Ben

I think you've lost enough of it already...which means: let me talk to him.

Susan

You?!

Ben

Yeah. Let's at least let him grow some goolies before you lop 'em off.

Michael

I'm going to be a Tory Prime Minister. I don't need any hippy baggage in my past.

Ben

So what were you doing at that girl's house, then?

Michael

I didn't go for illicit drugs; I went for illicit sex.

Ben

You are a Tory!

Susan

There are many notable lesbians in history. Catherine the Great.

Ben

Name says it all.

Susan

k.d. lang.

Ben

Wonderful voice. Sharon Simpson.

Susan

Who's she?

Ben

One of my patients. Lovely teeth.

Janey

I'm not gay.

Ben

Well that about takes the biscuit doesn't it? How dare you not be gay. Good God! You put us through anxiety, anger, confusion, doubt, anger...

Susan

You said anger.

Ben

I was angry twice. Until we finally reach tolerance and acceptance, and you tell us you're not gay. My own daughter! I feel betrayed!

Nick

I'm doing The Knowledge.

Ben

You haven't even passed The Ignorance.

Michael

There might be some burnt cheese stuck to the lid. You snooze, you lose.

Ben

No, I win! (holds up bag) Yes, it's Chinese Takeaway time! Oh yes! Oh, look at this! Chicken with cashew nuts, spring rolls, capital spare ribs. My favourite. And it's followed closely by the ever-loved rice. It's alright, Michael; you can lick the lids.

Michael

You mean to say you got takeaway and you didn't even consult your kids.

Ben

(smiling broadly) Yeah.

Abi

Don't you feel guilty?

Ben

(still smiling) No.

Nick

Is that Chinese takeaway?

Ben

No, it's Chinese keep-away.

Nick

Sorry, Dad. I can't betray a confidence. A cab driver's like a priest.

Ben

Twenty quid?

Nick

Bless you, my son!

Susan

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.

Ben

Yes there is. Nick!

Susan

How do you know?

Ben

It's a fact of life that my property plus broken always equals, NICK!

Susan

Why are you always convinced that Christmas is going to be a disaster?

Ben

Because it always is. It's traditional.

Susan

No it isn't.

Ben

There you go, always looking to the negative. You know I'm right; look at last year.

Susan

We all had a lovely time.

Ben

Oh yeah, you did. I got beaten up by carol singers...

Susan

Ah, yes...lovely voices.

Ben

The year before that there was the turkey.

Susan

OK, so it needed to stay in for a bit longer.

Ben

Susan, it was still alive. I'm trying to forget the year of the puppy.

Susan

Oh, the puppy...yes, that was sad, wasn't it? But those aren't reasons to hate Christmas.

Ben

Alright, try these: you have to jolly up to people you normally wouldn't bother to rescue from drowning; you get drunken men in suits vomiting in your flowerbeds; you're effectively trapped in the house with the central heating on full blast; and then someone throws a log on the fire because they think it's festive!

Susan Harper

Don't be defeatist!

Ben Harper

I'm not defeatist; I'm defeated.

Ben

What's that?

Susan

Chocolate Raisin Turkey with Caramel.

Ben

Excuse me?

Susan

It's Moroccan.

Ben

(looks at her cookbook) Ah, I see. Several pages of your cookbook are stuck together. Yeah, you've moved from Poultry to Dessert.

Susan

That's how great discoveries are made. Luddite.

Ben

(cringing) It's the thought that counts.

Michael

Shame it's such a horrible thought.

Nick

Nice tie!

Ben

Ignorance is bliss.

Susan

Then you must be the happiest man in the world.

Ben

(under his breath) I was until I married you.

Susan

I heard that!