Ben Harper quotes from My Family

Ben

Hey, you're not allowed in pubs.

Michael

I am if I have a plated meal in a clearly designated restaurant area.

You're a user, just like my husband!

Ben

You're a nutcase, just like my wife!

Susan

What happened?

Ben

I'd just rather not talk about it right now.

Susan

Okay. Good night.

Ben

Susan, I very nearly had sexual intercourse with your mother.

Susan

What?

Ben

I didn't know she was there. I thought it was you.

Susan

Oh... Ben, that's... that's... that's terrible! (begins laughing) And funny at the same time.

Ben

It is not funny!

Susan

Oh, come on, it's a little bit funny.

Ben

Susan, I– we very nearly became a Greek tragedy!

Susan

Look, look, I don't want her here any more than you do, but she's in great pain and can't move.

Ben

Are you sure she's not faking it?

Susan

I don't know, you tell me. (begins laughing again)

Ben

Eh, poetry... I'm not that desperate, I can tell you!

Abi

Then could you stop feeling up the grapefruit?

Ben

(of Kenzo) Susan, the baby will wake up when he's good and ready.

Susan

That is so old-fashioned! Haven't you read any of the latest baby care books?

Ben

Have you?

Susan

I don't need to; I've raised three children... and you.

Susan

(speaking on telephone) Oh, hello. Yes, mi nombre es Senora Susan Harper. ¿cómo está usted?

Ben

Susan, hello? You're phoning London.

Susan

I know, but, you know, "when in Rome".

Ben

We're not in Rome, we're in hell!

Abi

Hello Judith

Ben

It's Judas!!!

Ben

(subdued) I've just seen what my family's life would be like, had I never been born. They'd be no different. No difference at all. I've had no effect on anything.

Wow, that's depressing.

Ben

No, it's not. (grins) It's wonderful! Don't you see? They're the crazy ones! I'm off the hook!

Ben

Oh, for crying out loud...

Susan

Ben, calm down. It's only been five minutes.

Nick

(staring at a nervous, elderly couple) That's how it always starts. With five minutes. Then ten. Then half an hour. Then an hour. Then two hours... and then a month.

Ben

Nick.

Nick

Then two months.

Ben

Nick!

Nick

Then a year!

Ben

Nick, please!

Could you please get your son to be quiet?

Ben

No, but you have a go, by all means.

He's making my wife nervous.

Ben

You'll get used to it.

That's right. Nothing to do with you. Wash your hands of it.

Susan

Don't worry. He has.

Susan

The glass is always half-empty with you, isn't it?

Ben

Half-empty. Cracked. Chipped. Dirty. Smeared with toxic, germ-ridden, radioactive s-

Susan

Anyway...

Susan

We just got married!

Ben

I still don't want kids.

Ben Harper

Susan, I though we had a deal that you'd warn me when the inlaws were coming?

Susan Harper

Oh, I'm glad your here. I'd like to introduce you to Cheerful Charlie Chortle, Uncle Morris, and The Amazing Beppo.

Ben Harper

Well if they're here, who's running the country?

Ben Harper

Good God! No wonder Charlie Chortle's chortling, look how much Charlie Chortles charging!

Susan Harper

Actually we're not having Charlie Chortle. He's having gall bladder surgery.

Ben Harper

Can't the kids watch that? It'll be cheaper and funnier.

Ben

What is this masterpiece?

Susan

"Shut Up and Be Happy"

Ben

Too late; I'm married.

Susan

How was it then? Your "society?"

Ben

2 words. Gay disco.