A character in My Family
Played by Robert Lindsay
My Family · 86 quotes
Most-quoted character in My Family: in 61 of its 86 quotes
Most scenes with: Susan Harper (29), Nick (9), Michael (6)
The new alarm system is causing too many problems
They say it's there for our protection.
BenProtection from what? I've almost broken my bloody neck on the staircase, I've got a son who's deaf, I've got a son in a coma, and a daughter as ugly as sin!
In the night, Ben and Susan hear a noise from downstairs and Susan sends him down to inspect:
Ben(as he enters the kitchen) Janey? Micheal? Nick?
Dave.
Ben(spins around) Dave? We haven't got a Dave who are you?
The next morning where everyone except Dave is downstairs:
BenNick, would you like to tell me what the hell 'Dave' is doing in our house?
Oh yeah, Dad. You know how you told me I needed a new job, well guess what! I'm a landlord!
She'll grow out of it.
BenI should hope so.
I did.
BenI should bloody hope so.
We're all ready for our little bundle of joy!
BenBundle of joy. You two haven't a clue what you're talking about, have you?
For little girls get bigger every day...
Ben HarperGrow up then.
I was expecting someone else.
BenSo was I, but your mother swears you're ours.
BenI mean, if I popped my clogs, would you replace me with a pet?
No pet could replace you. Except perhaps a bad-tempered ferret.
BenWhat a splendid family. I've got a daughter who thinks I'm a joke, a son who thinks I'm demented, a wife who doesn't support me and a...(looks at Nick) pillock.
Look on the bright side, Dad. At least it took your mind off Mr Casey.
BenOh, yes. Mr Casey! Mr Casey! (exit)
(looks at Nick) You pillock!
Dad, have you seen the car keys lately?
BenNo.
(holds up the keys and jingles them in his face) Well, take a good look. I won't be back till late!
Don't eat that! You'll ruin your dinner.
BenI thought that was your job.
No, my job is to ruin your life.
The motto on your family crest should read: "Mediocrity or Death".
BenWell, it's better than "For a Good Time, Call"!
BenCoffee. To make you feel at home, Scott, yours has been stewed, reheated and served in a plastic cup.
No coffee for me. I feel sick. Your wife has triggered my acid reflux.
BenI know, I know. Isn't she marvellous?
"Tesco's out of Brie, so gn to Paris."
Ben"Gn?"
"Prices 2 high, so gn to Nice for chse."
BenMm-hmm.
"Don't worry about money. I have Dad's bnk card." Any reply?
BenYep, yep.
Ben"Dr Nk, u r f'd."
BenWho?
You know. Our guest. The one who eats all our food and is always bothering us?
BenOh, Abi.
No, the hairy one.
BenNick.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's My Family pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
