Monty Python's Flying Circus Season 2 quotes

Minister, in your plan, "A Better Britain For Us", you promised to build 88 thousand million billion houses a year in the greater London area alone. In fact, you've built only three in the last 15 years.

One day, I was sitting at home, threatening the kids, when this tank drives up. One of Dinsdale's boys gets out all nice and friendly like, and says Dinsdale wants to have a talk with me. So, he chains me to the back of the tank, and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale's place. Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug, Charles Paisley the Baby Crusher, a couple of film producers and a fellow called Kierkegaard who just sits there, biting the heads off whippets. And Dinsdale says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy, Clement', and he splits my nostrils open, saws my leg off and pulls my liver out. And I says, 'My name's not Clement', and then he loses his temper and nails my head to the floor.

Was there anything unusual about Dinsdale?

Certainly not! He was perfectly normal in every way! Except... inasmuch as he thought he was being followed by a giant hedgehog named Spiny Norman.

Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born on probation in this house Kipling Road,Suffolk the eldest sons in a family of sixteen.Their father,Arthur Piranha a scrap metal dealer and local T.V. Quizmaster was known by the Police and a devout Catholic

Mr. Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all--I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

I would tax Raquel Welch. I have a feeling she'd tax me.

[referring to his death sentence for contempt of court] Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

Two, er, three to the Old Bailey please.

Look, they've started the credits.

Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.

Come on, hurry. Hurry!

There's the lighting credit, only five left. Hell, it's the producer--quick!

Nobody expects the Spa... [Smash cut to a frame saying "The End"] Oh bugger!

[emerging from under a Scotsman's kilt] Look, would you please go away? I'm trying to examine this man! It's all right, I'm a doctor... actually I'm a gynaecologist, but this is my lunch hour.

Mrs. Ratbag, if you don't mind me saying so, you're badly in need of an expensive course of psychiatric treatment. Now, I'm not going to say that a trip to our dairy will cure you, but it will give hundreds of lower-paid workers a good laugh.

This is a 12-story block combining classical neo-Georgian features with the efficiency of modern techniques. The tenants arrive here and are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort, past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these...

Excuse me.

Yes?

Did you say 'knives'?

Rotating knives, yes.

Do I take it that you are proposing to slaughter our tenants?

...Does that not fit in with your plans?

Not really. We asked for a simple block of flats.

I'd like some aftershave.

Certainly sir, walk this way please...

If I could walk that way I wouldn't need aftershave.

Sorry I'm late, head master. I've been wrestling with Plato.

What you do in your own time, padre, is written on the wall in the vestry!

Good morning, I'd care to purchase a chicken, please.

Don't come here with that posh talk, you nasty, stuck-up twit!

I beg your pardon?

A chicken, sir? Certainly. Here we are.

Thank you. And how much does that come to per pound, my good fellow?

Per pound, you slimy trollop? What kind of a ponce are you?

I'm sorry?

Four and six a pound, sir. Nice and ready for roasting.

I see. And I'd care to purchase some stuffing in addition, please.

Use your own, you great poofy poll-nagger!

What?

Certainly, sir, some stuffing.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, "thank you", says the great queen, like a la-di-da pooftah!

I beg your pardon?

That's alright, sir, call again!

Excuse me...

What is it now, you great pillock?!

I can't help but notice that you insult me, and then you're polite to me, alternately.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir!

Oh, that's all right. It doesn't really matter.

Tough titty if it did, you nasty, spotted prancer!

And we move to Bristol where they have a special, Very Silly candidate...

Malcolm Peter-Brian-Telescope-Adrian-Umbrella Stand-Jasper-Wednesday-[pop]-Stoat Gobbler-John-Raw Vegetable-[bark]-Arthur-Norman-Michael-[honk]-Featherstone-Smith-[whistle]-Northgot-Edwards-Harris-[bang]-WOOOOOO-Mason-chuffchuffchuffchuff-Frampton-Jones-Fruit Bat-Gilbert-we'll keep a welcome in the-[bang bang bang]-Williams-If I could Walk That Way-Jenkin-[vvvt vvt vvvt vvvvewwww]-Tiger Drawers-Pratt-Thompson-Raindrops keep falling on my head-Darcy-Carter-[honk]-Pussycat-Don't sleep in the subway-Barton-Mannering-[squeek]-mmmmm-Smith...

Very Silly Party.

Two votes.

Well, it's five past nine and nearly time for six past nine. On BBC 2 now, it'll shortly be six and a half minutes past nine. Later on this evening, it'll be ten o'clock and at 10:30 we'll be joining BBC 2 in time for 10:33, and don't forget tomorrow when it'll be 9:20. Those of you who missed 8:45 on Friday will be able to see it again this Friday at a quarter to nine. Now, here is a time check. It's six and a half minutes to the big green thing.

You're a looney.

I get so bored. I get so bloody bored.