TV show quotes
Okay, okay. I know what we can do. But you're not gonna like it.
What?
Well, you're gonna have to take off all your clothes. Then, you'll let me take a bunch of pictures of you. Then, we put them on the internet. Put them on, uh, a pay site though, you know? And we really play up the Asian angle.
I'm sorry. How is that an antidote to becoming a werewolf?
It's not. Come on, it's just to lighten the mood. You guys getting so serious.
Oh, my goodness.
Now give me that bullet, Marquess, so I can shoot Yung in the heart.
You're all insane! [runs away]
That's the werewolf talking. [chases Yung through the house] Hold still, Yee. I'm trying to help you.
My name's not Yee!
Oh, my God! Are you a lesbian?
No, I'm not a lesbian.
You're a lesbian and you're afraid to come out to me. [looks at the empty beer cans, cigarette butts, prescription medications and bottles, and a bong around the living room] Is that why you drinkin' and druggin', because you have so much shame?
This is all Pigeon's, not me.
Yung, I will love you no matter who you choose to lay with.
Mystery Team, guess what I have in my hands?
Your resignation letter.
No!
Your suicide note.
Hey, what! What is wrong with you?
A drawing of your penis to scale.
Oh, oh, okay. Because it's small. Okay, very clever. No! It's a mystery.
How did we get here?
What are you talking about? First, you knocked over my bowl of tomato soup because you had to show me your magic trick. Pigeon's trying to commit suicide again. And Dad's watching On Golden Pond.
I wasn't asking literally, I was trying to set a mood.
Hey. Hey, who turned off the gas?
Oh, Pigeon, just take a fucking damn anti-depressant like the rest of us.
Yeah, well, if any of you were really my friends, you'd let me die in peace.
[watching "On Golden Pond"] Hey, Pigeon, is that the guy from 9 to 5?
Yeah, Dabney Coleman. I love Dabney Coleman. He's a reason not to kill yourself.
Didn't he pass away a few years ago?
What? I'm going back in the oven. [Pigeon turns the oven on and closes the oven door]
Oh, wait a second, I'm thinking of Charles Durning. Dabney Coleman's still alive.
[beat]
We don't have to tell him that.
So do you, like, come here?
No, only once. [to the camera] But I've been here a bunch of times! [laughs]
Gross.
Where am I supposed to meet her?
She said to meet in the whipping room.
[Marquess walks into a room, we hear a whip followed by a voice moaning]
Oh, God, I think I'm in it.
You're saying my wife was an alien? And now she's just gone back to her home planet? We were married for seven years. I just... I just can't believe it.
We're so sorry.
Well, as bad as it is, for whatever reason, it makes me feel better to know she wasn't faithful.
What are you talking about? She is very unfaithful. I would estimate she slept with anywhere from one to 10,000 people. She was probably harvesting sperm for an alien species. Unless she was doing it for her own personal pleasure. Either way, she was very, very promiscuous.
[Mike and Yung walk to the Mystery Mobile and enter it]
Dad, you didn't have to tell him that part.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mike Tyson Mysteries pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
