Thelma quotes from Mama's Family

How much do you weigh?

Thelma

That's none of your business, you skinhead!

I need your weight!

Thelma

You need my hair!

I don't have to give you a license! Next!

Thelma

(grabs his shirt collar) Wait a minute, you listen up you chrome dome! My taxes pay your salary, and if you don't give me that license, I'm going to find you a new job as a reflector button of the highway!

Thelma

Naomi's expecting!

Expecting what?

A baby?

Thelma

(sarcastically) No, Fran, a Mitsubishi!

Thelma

Oh, Naomi, what a sweet thought. No wonder I love you best. You're like the daughter I never had. (Ellen and Eunice have shocked looks on their faces). Why is it that my own girls can't see the beauty in sharing a warm, family moment?

I'm the one that brought the dirty jars; you wouldn't have this warm family moment if it wasn't for me.

For your information Mama, I was almost splattered clear over that

Thelma

An accident? Are the jars all right?

What the hell is the matter with you, you been sniffing them gooseberries?! I just told you I spent three hours dodging semis across three lanes of public highway!

Naomi

Isn't that dangerous?

(to Naomi) Come here. Look at me. (pause) Are you in there?!

Thelma

Naomi, did you remember to buy the sugar?

Naomi

Oh, I never buy sugar. (dumps a bunch of sugar packets out of her purse onto the kitchen table)

Naomi, you unpredictable little scamp, what is all that?

Naomi

This is my sugar packet collection! I pick 'em up at motels. Each and every one has a different name on it!

Ellen

(picks up a packet and reads it) 'Arthur's Hideaway and Launderette:

Naomi

Yeah!

Thelma

Well, that is disgusting! I can't take jam to a church bazaar made with X-rated sugar!

Thelma

(to Naomi) I'd be uncomfortable, too, if I were dressed in that get-up.

Naomi

Just what is wrong with my attire? I've always found this outfit very suitable for religious occasions.

Thelma

That's cause you got to pray to God it stays up!

If only we had a spoon we could dig our way out.

Thelma

Real good, Vinton. If we had a bar of soap we could carve ourselves a gun and shoot our way out.

Naomi

I'm not about to spend my afternoon getting all hot and sweaty over some slimy slug. (about Thelma's garden)

Thelma

Why not? That's the way you spend your nights!

Mama, you never could throw anything out, no matter how useless it is.

Thelma

It's a lucky thing for you!

Thelma

(Knocks on the door.)

Mama?

Thelma

No, It's Mr.T FOOL!!!

Naomi

You don't think I'm pregnant, do you?

Thelma

Tell me something, Naomi. Are you late?

Naomi

Late for what?

Thelma

Do I have to come right out and say it? Mr. Monthly Visitor!

Naomi

Yeah! Oh, Miss Harper, how did this happen?

Thelma

Do you want me to draw you a picture?

Hello everybody! Eunice is here. Unwanted Eunice. Untalented Eunice! Caterwauling Eunice!! MONSTER EUNICE IS HERE!!! (she throws the box of party decorations)

Thelma

Uhh-oohhhhhh!!

Thelma

(Speaking of Duke Reeves) His parents were trying to avoid a lawsuit so they sent the boy over to apologize for nearly gettin' you killed out in front of the school that day.

That's not true!

Thelma

It is! You hounded that boy so bad he had to jump in the car to get away from you and you went tearin' down the street after him hangin' on to the back of the car.

That's a lie!

Thelma

And he went around the corner and you went slidin' into the gravel and you got yourself all skinned up. You were a lunatic where that Duke Reeves was concered and everybody knew it. Didn't they Vint?

Well I don't know about everybody...

Oh you shut up!

What smells so good?

Thelma

It's Naomi's Famous International Heartburn.

What smells so good?

Thelma

It's Naomi's Famous Dinner In A Drum.

What smells so good?

Thelma

I swear, if I made gym socks, everyone would want a taste!