Thomas Magnum quotes from Magnum, P.I.

T.C.

You expect me to hop over all 13 of these islands?

Magnum

That's the name of your service, isn't it? Island Hoppers.

T.C.

Yeah, I'm thinking about changing it to Magnum's Taxi Service!

Magnum

[about Rick's black eye] So who was it Rick?

Rick

D'you think it needs more wine?

Magnum

Rick, come on, who was it?

Rick

Catherine.

Magnum

...Catherine who?

Rick

[desperately trying to change the subject] T.C., what about the peppers?

Magnum

Rick!

Rick

I don't know, they don't have a last name.

T.C.

Who doesn't have a last name?

Rick

[long pause]: Nuns.

Rick

W-well what's so funny?!

T.C.

You mean to tell me, a NUN gave you that shiner?

Rick

She thought I was trying to steal her car!

Rick

Hey, she was a big Nun!

Rick

I just put you on a case, Sherlock.

Magnum

You can't do that. I'm already on a case.

Rick

Yeah, well now you're on two. And boy, are you gonna thank me.

Magnum

Boy, am I gonna kill you.

Magnum

[narrating] I was running late; I'd taken too much time getting dressed; and that's a bad sign – instead of worrying about the job I was going to do for my client, my mind was taken up with picking exactly the right tie; as if it matters.

I like that tie.

Magnum

I was a Naval intelligent.

Oh. You don't seem like the type. The Navy, I mean, not the intelligence.

Magnum

I know what you mean.

You were in the Navy.

Magnum

Yes, I was in the Navy. Uhh... career man, Navy all the way.

What happened?

Magnum

I started asking myself a lot of questions.

And?

Magnum

I'm still asking.

Rick

Alright, I'll do the favor; But let's get one thing straight – I'm not gonna put on ANY dumb disguise, I'm not playing garbage men, delivery men, sewer men, any other kind of men, is that... that's final now, right?

Magnum

Of course.

[on seeing T.C.'s helicopter fly past the Estate] Who's that?

Magnum

Oh, that is a buddy of mine, and he sometimes flies tourists over the Estate to see what famous person might be sun-bathing naked on the beach.

Well I'm not famous or naked.

Magnum

You will be... [pauses] famous.

Higgins

[seeing Magnum wearing an old football helmet] Even for you, I find this evening's attire most bizarre. A rough divorce case pending?

Magnum

Higgins--

Higgins

Or is it some exotic fantasy you engage in after the sun goes down. "Win one for the dipper," something or other.

Magnum

Gipper!

Higgins

What?

Magnum

It is Gipper, not dipper!

Magnum

Howdy, partner. You just ride into town?

Somebody told me you was a pretty good detective.

Magnum

Terrific. I ain't had a rustlin' case all year.

Magnum

Did T.C. show up?

Higgins

No. But Rick called. I do wish you'd get an answering service.

Magnum

I have one.

Higgins

My point exactly.

I have plane to catch. If you are going to shoot me, do it now.

[smiling] You won't. You can't. I know you Thomas, I had you for three months at Duc Hua. I know you better than your mother. Your sense of... honor and fair play. Oh, you could shoot me. If I was armed and coming after you. But like this? Thomas... never. Goodbye Thomas. Dasvidanya.

Magnum

Ivan?

[turning back] Yes?

Magnum

Did you see the sunrise this morning?

Yes, why?

Higgins

Sometimes you amaze me, Magnum, truly. Your intuitive grasp of human nature is so...so...

Magnum

Perceptive?

Higgins

Pre-adolescent.

Magnum

Make me a list of the favors I owe you and I'll take care of them.

Higgins

I already have a list. What I don't have is a reason to believe you.

Magnum

I'm a peach of a detective.

T.C.

[To Rick]I can't believe you bought that. He ain't that good.

Magnum

Higgins! Higgins! What the hell did you do to my house?!

Higgins

Magnum, old stick, isn't your attire a trifle bizarre, even for you? Even for breakfast?

Magnum

[looks at what he is wearing] My underwear! What happened to my underwear?!

Higgins

Probably another lost and sordid night with a chorus girl from the Kit Kat Club. Please stand down wind, I'm sure you simply reek of cheap rye whiskey!

Magnum

What is this?! What kind of practical joke are you trying to pull?!

Higgins

I? I crazed? My dear fellow, it is not I ranting the lawn in my BVDs! Now I suggest a shower and a pot of black coffee.

Magnum

Okay, Okay! Enough's enough. Oh, I can take a joke. See...I'm smiling, like a good sport.

Higgins

Magnum, in less than 25 minutes the other members of my croquet club will arrive for practice and brunch. This is our last opportunity for strategy and tactics...

Magnum

Croquet?!! You short sheet my whole house and you wanna talk about croquet?!!

Higgins

Well, what with the frightful unemployment with the Depression, despite the commendable efforts of your President Roosevelt...

Magnum

Oh, sure, Higgins! Good ol' FDR! I'm right with ya!

Higgins

The chaps decided that Polo was a bit ostentatious, so we've returned to more Proletariat pursuits. Everybody's going to shoulder more...

Magnum

Enough...Enough!...Enough!!! This is not funny. Okay, okay, you croquet your hearts out, but hear this ultimatum-Immediately! Immediately!! I want my furniture, my phone, and my shorts...!!! ...Back!!!