Thomas Magnum quotes from Magnum, P.I.

Magnum

[referring to Higgins' school day beanie] Higgins, you wore this?

Higgins

With pride.

Magnum

Put it on.

Higgins

What?

Magnum

I know your dying to see how it looks.

Higgins

No.

Magnum

OK. I need help with my tie.

Higgins

Magnum, you borrowed my tie?

Magnum

I thought it went with my outfit.

Higgins

None of my things go with yours. And for Pete's sake, a grown man who can't tie his own tie?

Magnum

I want a Double Windsor.

Higgins

Alright. Go over, and over again, and over again.

Magnum

[runs out the door] Thanks Higgins.

Magnum

[Sticks head in the doorway and laughs]

Magnum

[after failing to hit the serve over the net] I'm sorry Rick. I'm a little rusty on the serve. I just gotta get it up a little more, but when I do, it'll be a monster.

T.C.

Not with that follow through.

Magnum

What's wrong with it?

T.C.

You need more extension.

Magnum

I do?

T.C.

Mmm-Hmm

Rick

Try and keep this one on the court will you? We're running out of balls!

Magnum

OK, this one will be in Rick, I promise. I will be just perfect. [starts his serve]

Higgins

Magnum! [Magnum sends the ball straight over the fence]

Magnum

[angry at being paired with Carrie Reardon] I knew it! That's why you paired me with her! To be her babysitter!

Higgins

Call it what you may, I didn't do it, Mr Masters did. Free Rent. Red Ferrari. [Magnum goes quiet] I thought that'd silence you.

Magnum

You had breakfast?

Are you kidding? I haven't eaten anything decent since Cleveland. Except maybe a moldy bear claw.

Magnum

I think I can do better than that.

Higgins

Don't bet on it.

Higgins

Magnum....Magnum!.....Magnum!!

Magnum

Hi, Higgins!

Higgins

How fiendishly deceptive of you Magnum. I could have sworn I was hearing the emasculation of a large rodent. To my great surprise, I see the sounds are emanating from what I thought was a harmless musical instrument.

Magnum

Cute Higgins, real cute. [Magnum resumes playing saxophone badly]

Higgins

Why Magnum? Why do this terrible thing?

Magnum

Higgins, I'll have you know I used to be very good. I was the second best sax player in my High School band.

Higgins

Well how many sax players were there?!

Magnum

...Anyway, I just saw this in a pawn shop window and thought I'd like to try and get my chops back.

Higgins

May I suggest that your "chops" are irretrievable.

Rick

I saw in this movie once where they bumped off this guy for his money. They took a lawn mower, an electric lawn mower, and threw it right in the bathtub. Bzzzzzzzzzz! It fried him just like that! You better take showers.

Magnum

Guys!

T.C.

Come to think of it, you better stay out of the kitchen too, all sorts of things can happen in there - Gas, poisoning, garbage disposals.

Magnum

Garbage disposals??

Magnum

[as Higgins draws his sword] You know what they say about Samurai swords - you unsheath them, you gotta draw blood.

Higgins

I know!

Higgins

Magnum, you never cease to amaze me. I must know how you arrived at this remarkably astute conclusion with your limited knowledge of art.

Magnum

Would you believe me if I told you it came to me in a dream?

Higgins

Yes, because your conscious mind certainly isn't capable of such superior detective work.

Higgins

I've taken all the verbal insults I intend to from you.

You're right. It's time I got physical.

Magnum

Wait a minute. Let's not get carried away here.

I won't, but he will.

Higgins

Why are you here scrambling eggs...

Magnum

They're not scrambled, they're over easy.

Higgins

...instead of out looking for Tessa.

Magnum

I found him.

Higgins

You found him?

Magnum

Yes, I found him.

Higgins

You must take Elizabeth there at once.

Magnum

Higgins, he threatened to kill me.

Higgins

To make an omelet, one must crack a few eggs.

Magnum

Higgins, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you can tell Robin that he doesn't already know - that we havn't laughed about together.

Higgins

The potato chip heiress from Buffalo who filled the tidal pool with...

Magnum

A little misunderstanding, Higgins. After it was drained...

Higgins

And then there is the Romanian mime troop who...

Magnum

You...You're not going to bring that up. I mean, you were there when the paramedics arrived! You know!

Higgins

I will take note of the panic in your voice and those guilt-crazed eyes as a scent to my favor, albeit with the slightest reluctance.

Magnum

Wait a minute! This isn't a favor, this is extortion and blackmail!

Higgins

For a moment, I failed to remember that the ways of a gentleman are patently foreign to you. I revere words like honor, integrity, chivalry -- words that are clearly not in your vocabulary.

Magnum

Higgins, enough! Knocking my rubber chicken or my sloppy habits is within the rules, but you're attacking my character. I would like to think you don't mean that.

Higgins

Yes, I'm sorry. It's just that you can't know what it's like to care deeply for someone and have your hope taken.

Magnum

Yes, I can.

Higgins

You know lads, I sometimes view myself as a later-day Job, constantly being tested by our Creator. How else could I possibly justify four major wars, dozens of minor conflicts, seven natural disasters, and...

Magnum

Aha! Double play Tigers!

Higgins

...Him.

Higgins

Oh my god. Where is it?

Magnum

[acting innocent] Where's what?

Higgins

The 110mm lens this cap should be covering.

Magnum

Higgins, I can explain.

Higgins

I am utterly sick and tried of those four pathetic words "Higgins I can explain".

Magnum

[narrating] When you spend your every working day basking in the balmy breezes of paradise, when you play year round on the beautiful sunny beaches of the Pacific, where do you dream of going on a vacation? The answer is obvious: Detroit. Reason one: Detroit's a fun city. Reason two: There's a superior group of athletes there known as the Tigers! Reason three:

T.C.

A free trip? You think you're going to get a free trip to Detroit on my tab Thomas?

Magnum

T.C., I'm doing you a favor.