Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil · Season 1
Just wanted to let you know that we're on schedule to announce my candidacy for President. Friday night! The big sacrifice at Bohemian Grove!
Ugh. Two sacrifices in one week?
Master, you have to come! I mean, this one is just like friends and family, but Friday's the real one.
Hey, uh any requests for who we should sacrifice?
I don't know. Don't you usually do that? I just show up.
Why do you want to invite my boyfriend somewhere?
I want to invite him to like a guy's only barbecue. I want to get to know him.
Oh. Like a bonding kinda thing?
Yes exactly. Build a fire in the woods, get all undressed. Yell at the sky!
All right, it's getting less appealing, so why don't I just give you the number.
Look, if you've got it, flaunt it. Sandals are like bikinis for your feet.
I gotta tell ya, this is not just any event. Imagine the most amazing dance party, slash orgy, slash political summit on the planet.
Okay, I'm imagining that.
Did you see Eyes Wide Shut?
Yes, I did see that.
It's like that, but Alan Greenspan will be there. And Bono.
(holding up puppy dog mask) Hey! I lika thisa one!
Nooo! It's not Trick-or-Treat. It's a very specific kind of mask
For an orgy?
(frustrated) Yes! For an orgy!
(putting on purple gorilla mask) I would wear this to an orgy.
You know what, I'da wear it to an orgy too.
That's what you've been working on all day? Poop jokes?
Yeah. What's wrong with that? Becky, you go poop. I know you do.
Reggie, you need a hook, right? I don't just have that one joke I told you, I thought up a whole bunch about poop.
(weakly) Oh, yeah?
Yeah, you're gonna be Reggie the Poop Guy, the Shit Comedian. What's your last name?
Goldstein.
You'll be like Reggie 'I'm taking a shit' Goldstein.
Um, I'm just going to a thing for my Dad. Some political thing. Boring. What are you doing?
Oh nothing, uh, just some gig, uh, a bar mitzvah. It's not an orgy.
What? Did you just say it's not an orgy? That's so weird why would you say that? Why would you explicitly say it's not an orgy?
Uh, I'm losing you Luce.
It's not the kind of thing that comes up every day.
No, I can't hear you, what you just said. I'm gonna call you later.
We celebrate the quest for power. We desecrate with blood and fire!
Praise Satan!
But first, please put your hands together for our opening act. You've seen him on Premium Blend. Folks, please welcome the very funny Reggie Goldstein!
No, we're going in circles. (pause) Is someone doing comedy?
These people are monsters!
Ah, you ever take a shit so big you take a photo of it?
I need you to give my fuck-up son a job. It can be anything; I just need him tucked away somewhere during the campaign. He's a registered sex offender. Did you know that?
Uh, I'm not surprised. I mean look at him.
I'm sorry. I'm on the South Beach diet. And it makes me a little edgy. Not to mention I have hygiene issues. When someone goes (blows raspberry) and it's not me, that's not hygienic.
Hey, you see that lady over there? She got the Chimmy-changa, but she only ate half.
Good to know.
She left over a lot of guacamole.
She sure did.
Mmmm, she left over a lot. It's still warm.
Okay.
You're nice.
Uh, thanks?
Well, better get this stuff into the kitchen.
Okay.
'Cause I'm gonna fuck it.
Well, I'm on the Sex Offenders' web site, so what do you want to do?
Wow, look at that. You can see them on the map?
Yeah, you haven't seen this? And look, you click on one of those dots, and it brings up his mug shot. It's like the worst online dating site in the world.
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